


Mnemosyne

by risty234



Category: GOT7, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Gen, Grumpy Min Yoongi | Suga, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jeon Jungkook-centric, Kim Namjoon | RM-centric, Panic Attacks, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:14:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 25,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22659925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/risty234/pseuds/risty234
Summary: One night was all it took for destruction of BTS. One night was all it took for Jungkook to change. One night was all it took for Namjoon's past to come up.When Jungkook gets attacked the most violent and violating way, it brings up past memories for Namjoon. Memories that Namjoon tries to hide away from the boys. The past before BTS he tries to keep hidden away. Now Namjoon will have to face his past in order to help the youngest member get over the hardest pain he could ever have. Only Namjoon can save the young Maknae from making the same mistakes that he did.
Comments: 35
Kudos: 152





	1. Chapter 1

It was one night when Jungkook was rushed to the hospital after being found unconscious outside of the BTS dance studio. Everyone was now pacing back and forth in the hospital waiting room. They couldn't believe how bad Jungkook looked. He had injuries that would prevent BTS from performing. His ribs, the bruising on his face said something different.

Namjoon was the leader of BTS. It was his responsibility to make sure everyone was okay but Namjoon felt immense amount of pressure when he saw Jungkook being examined from head to toe. The doctor had a kind face but you could tell it was a face that was contorted to worry and sadness.

She addressed Namjoon first. "We will be doing an rape kit test on Jungkook, his injuries matches up with a potential rape crime. After we do the rape kit test, we will be taking pictures to keep on record." She told Namjoon.

Namjoon nodded before he felt his face turn into shock and it was turning quite pale. He walked back over to the boys and relied the information to them.

Yoongi pushed his chair down in anger. "How could someone do that to Jungkook? He's just a kid." Yoongi screamed at no one in particular. Yoongi needed to get his anger out and shouting at the top of his lungs was how Yoongi was going to do it.

All of the boys decided to visit Jungkook after the examination was over from the kind doctor. Namjoon sighed while putting his head in his hands.

He closed his eyes. _"Come on Namjoon, we just going to have some fun. Let's play dress up."_

Namjoon felt a tap on his shoulder and saw it was Jin.

"Jungkook is being discharged and he just wants to go home now."

Namjoon gave a smile while placing his hat back over his blonde hair. He wanted to forget that memory. Jungkook was escorted out of his room with Tae and Jimin by his side. Yoongi was glaring at everything and everyone. 

In no time, everyone got back to the dorm and sat down on the couch not saying anything. Everyone was looking at anything and everything but Jungkook. Jin was urging Namjoon to say something. 

Namjoon leaned forward in his chair was across from Jungkook. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

Jungkook bit his lip and shook his head. 

"Anything, you can speak about it. We would never judge you." Namjoon encouraged the Maknae. 

"I wasn't strong enough to fight them off." Jungkook whispered but all of the members could hear it but Namjoon could feel his breath hitched up and he sighed while leaning back in his seat. All of the boys were trying to comfort Jungkook. 

_A little boy with brown hair who turned 12 years old was walking with a book in his hands and a pair of glasses on his face. He was skipping happily home when a bunch of older schoolmates started chasing him and pinned him down in an alley and his pants were pulled down and he felt something inside of his butt. Glasses were now broken and a book that was stained with wet mud. He wasn't strong enough._

Jungkook was no longer sitting on the couch and all that was left was the 6 members before Yoongi decided he was going to his studio to keep himself distracted from this. Jin went to the kitchen to start preparing food, a habit that Jin does when he was nervous and it was his way of handling his anxiety. Hobi smiled at Namjoon before going into his room that he shared with Jimin and V. 

Namjoon sighed before going into his room and he looked at himself in the mirror while pushing back his hair a bit. He didn't want to deal with his past memories but... how could Namjoon helped Jungkook without avoiding him.

During the night, Namjoon heard crying from a bedroom next door to his and he knew it was Jungkook and he hoped that Jungkook’s roommate could figure it out turned out he couldn’t. He burst through the door who looked lost.

“I don’t know what to do. I tried to comfort him but it’s not working. I think I’m making it worse.” Jin complained while Namjoon sighed.

He went to Jungkook’s room and he saw Jungkook shaking non-stop. Namjoon sat in the corner and looked at Jungkook. Namjoon also turned on the light. He could feel eyes from the doorway from the rest of the member.

“Hey Kookie.” Namjoon said at his regular volume. Jungkook turned to face Namjoon. “No one’s going to hurt you. I will sit in this chair for the rest of the night okay.”

Jungkook calmed down once he heard that Namjoon was going to be in his room. Jungkook slowly closed his eyes. It was silent in that moment.

Namjoon pushed his hair back before slowly getting up from the chair.

“How did…?”

“One, don’t touch someone who was sexually assaulted or raped. It causes them to have a full meltdown. Two, reassure them that you will always be there regardless of the situation. Now who wants to grab me my pillows so I can at least be comfortable in this chair.” Namjoon informed the boys.

Jin grabbed Namjoon’s pillow without a second thought. He also grabbed a blanket for Namjoon. The rest of night fell into a ray of silence.

This night is the night that changed Jungkook for the worse. This night would change the rest of the boys for the worst. This night will reveal secrets that Namjoon have kept from his brothers.


	2. Chapter 2

Namjoon woke up with the shower running and Jungkook nowhere in his room to be found. He took that time to leave Jungkook's room. He saw Jungkook rushing to his room to get dressed. Namjoon took a deep breath before he left the dorm without saying anything. The dorm was suffocating, and he couldn't stand it in there anymore. Namjoon rushed to his studio and he searched for something through his stack of papers that were covering the whole desk. It was nearly impossible to find something. He saw it. It was letter he never wanted to see so he buried it in a pile. It was sent from a prison and with a shaky hand, he slowly opened it, but he couldn't do it in that moment and threw the letter across the room. 

It had been years since the incident that messed up his family but Namjoon didn't know why he kept getting flashes of his memoires. Namjoon from then was the one he wanted to forget. Mrs. Kim hadn't or probably ever will forgive Namjoon. He felt sick being around Jungkook and even though it was never Jungkook's fault for what happened last night. Namjoon couldn't handle that.

Namjoon entered the dorm room when the sun had set and there was no lighter. The dorm was quiet the lights were on now. He could see Yoongi glaring at Namjoon. Namjoon stared back at him. 

"Where the hell were you?" 

"I was out in my studio. I have a bunch of songs that need to be done for the upcoming comeback. You know this." Namjoon exclaimed while rolling his eyes. 

"Jungkook needs you and you left without telling us." Yoongi exclaimed and he got into Namjoon's face. 

"Last time, I checked he has all of you guys and plus there's only so many places I can go." Namjoon snapped at Yoongi before nudging him away. 

"I can't believe you are doing this right now. Is BTS more important than Jungkook? We all need a leader or at least a friend." Yoongi followed Namjoon into his room. 

"I need to work sorry that I can't just sit in this dorm room and wait for the officers to contact Jungkook about the rape." Namjoon snapped at Yoongi.

Everyone was now aware of Yoongi and Namjoon's fight or argument. Jungkook stood behind Yoongi hearing and watching the fight go down between his two older hyungs. Jungkook felt bad about the fight and he had tears in his eyes and Namjoon opened his mouth but Yoongi stopped him before following Jungkook to try to resolve this issue. 

Namjoon couldn't stand seeing the tears and he grabbed his hat and bag before rushing out of the dorm breathing heavily. 

_Let's play the dress up game Joonie. It's going to be so fun. You just remove one piece of clothing article at a time._

_I don't want to play_

_but..." The man started having tears in his eyes. Namjoon felt bad_

_We can play. I don't want to make you sad_

_You are an amazing beautiful boy._

It had been years since he had any ounce of triggers. He rushed back to his studio before dialing a number he kept in his phone. 

"Hello" a deep voice spoke out. "How can I help you?" 

"It's Namjoon." 

"Namjoon, why you call late?" 

"I don't know what's wrong with me." Namjoon squeaked out while he hung out in his studio. 

"it's late Namjoon, get some rest. Tomorrow we can grab some coffee in town and talk." 

"Yeah I would like that. See you tomorrow." Namjoon hung up the phone. He looked around the room and sighed. 

Namjoon didn't want to go back to the dorm so it wasn't surprised the next day, he heard a knock. It was Jin with freshly made breakfast for Namjoon. 

"Hey Joon" Jin greeted him. 

"How's JK?" 

"Yoongi did a good job at comforting him but he also says you nothing but a bitch. You win some, you lose some." Jin mentioned before he headed out of Namjoon's studio. 

Namjoon headed out to meet with someone he could trust more than the boys themselves. He was nervous, the last time he met this person was a year ago. He tapped his fingers nervously while clutching a coffee cup. 

Dr. Lee smiled at Namjoon while he sat across from a patient he knew from when he was 15 years old from when he came to Seoul. Dr. Lee always knew the boy was going to be successful once he got passed his trauma but this boy no this man looks like how he first looked when Dr. Lee saw him first time in the office. 

Namjoon was shaking and his tight clutch on the coffee cup seemed like it was the only thing keeping him in check. 

"Namjoon, how are you?" 

"I... don’t know." Namjoon stuttered through his words. 

"How about we go to my office?" Dr. Lee stated knowing a coffee shop wasn't the place to divulge information. Namjoon and Dr. Lee both walked in silence as they entered Dr. Lee's office. 

Not much has changed except the walls are now painted a nice blue color. Namjoon was sitting down while fiddling his fingers. Dr. Lee took his notepad and smiled at Namjoon. Namjoon looked up around the room and Namjoon gulped at the blue color. 

"I can't be in this room. I feel like I'm dying." Namjoon stated and Dr. Lee's eyes went wide before letting Namjoon leave his office and he quickly switched with his co-worker. 

"Better." Dr. Lee asked Namjoon. 

"Yeah so much better." Namjoon breathed out. "I don't know why I’m acting like this. I've been good these last few years." 

"Sometimes, memories show up unexpected." Dr. Lee mentioned to Namjoon. "What happened? What changed?"

"You know Jungkook?" 

"Yeah, you always boosting about him well you did in our therapy sessions early on." 

"He was raped." 

"Oh, how is he dealing with it?" 

"I guess better than...most" Namjoon stood up from his seat and looked at Dr. Lee. "You think that's why these memories won't leave me alone." 

"Namjoon did you ever tell any of your bandmates about your childhood." Dr. Lee looked at Namjoon. 

"Nope...I wanted to move on and forget about it. I snapped at my brothers yesterday and they didn't do anything wrong." 

"Maybe it's time to tell them about your past. Triggers can cause panic attacks and irritability and triggers can be small things that you wouldn't expect. How does it feel at your dorm?" 

"What you mean?" 

Namjoon was confused at Dr. Lee's line of questioning. Was he questioning if Namjoon felt safe at the new dorm? It wasn't the old dorm. It had more rooms and more space and everything people wanted and dreamed for. 

"It's a simple question Namjoon. Do you feel okay like you do in my co-workers office or do you feel the same way you do in my office?" 

"I feel like I'm suffocating but I didn't have a problem before." 

"The color blues." 

"Yeah it is. How'd you guess. Some victims can't be in the same room color that they were attacked in." Dr. Lee informed Namjoon. "I say paint the room and dorm that should calm your anxiety, but I can put you back on your anxiety medication but first try the painting thing. Namjoon, Jungkook should see a specialist. Not me though, I already biased since I know you." Dr. lee once again recommended to Namjoon. 

Namjoon felt much better talking to Dr. Lee. He left the office with a little bit of the weight off him. He put his phone off silence. He walked to the store and grabbed a paint can; the walls could not be blue anymore and if anyone had a fit well, they would have to deal with it. He walked back home to see everyone was watching television. 

Jungkook stood up and stood in front of Namjoon and once he saw Jungkook neck the bruising. Namjoon moved passed Jungkook and found himself on the floor with tears heaving into the toilet rubbing his neck causing neck burn. Everything about Jungkook reminded him of his childhood. 

_It was another night of little Namjoon being terrified of closing his eyes. The light was off, but he was never allowed to lock his bedroom door. He tried to pretend he was sleeping. Everyone used to say monsters doesn't exist but Namjoon knew it as soon as the world turned dark monsters come out to play. He could feel his lips all over his neck and Namjoon wished this monster wouldn't come into his room and touched him._

_He needed to escape this monster. He still felt him when he was 12 years old on his neck every chance he had when he was home alone. The monster was the reason Namjoon wanted out of Ilsan. He was the reason RM existed in a way._

The banging on the bathroom made Namjoon slowly get up from the bathroom floor but it was no luck he was back on the bathroom dry heaving. Namjoon felt beads of sweat on his forehead. Last time, he had it this bad was when he was auditioning for Big Hit Entertainment and he basically failed. Bang saw the talent and Bang was adamant about Namjoon seeing a therapist. Namjoon did see one Dr. Kang, she was nice but once she saw what Namjoon was dealing with she recommended Dr. Lee. A coworker of hers. It was a match in a way. 

"Namjoon are you okay in there? Jungkook feels bad." Jimin spoke softly. "I told him that you were feeling unwell and that it's not him." 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self-harm is never the answer, Namjoon is confronted with a situation with Jungkook and now he might see that him and Jungkook are more alike than he might think.

Namjoon felt like a monster but eventually the room stopped breathing and Yoongi was banging on the bathroom door. Namjoon opened the bathroom door and not only was Yoongi there but so was Jin. 

"Joon, you okay? You look pale. Do you want some soup? I can whip it up for you quickly." Jin rushed his words out but before Namjoon could say anything Jin was in the kitchen whipping up a pot and his ingredients. Yoongi shrugged before rushing Namjoon out of the bathroom. He closed the bathroom before Namjoon could say anything. 

Namjoon started walking back to his room and Jimin looked at Namjoon and handed the paint can. 

"What was your plan?" Jimin raised an eyebrow up. 

"I thought we all could paint." Namjoon shrugged his shoulders. 

"Why?" 

Namjoon hated when Jimin felt the need to ask why questions. It wasn't necessary. Namjoon was the leader. 

"Colors can trigger people especially Jungkook." Namjoon bullshitted. Namjoon didn't know if Jungkook was triggered by colors like he was. He barely even noticed that Jungkook had any problems besides his nightmares. If the hospital didn't say anything, he would have thought Jungkook was never raped but the dorm was different. Everyone was touchy and dorm was less lively. 

"Oh really then we should do it as soon as possible." Jimin urged clapping his hands while looking for V. Namjoon entered his room and sighed. Namjoon's phone started ringing and he answered it without looking at the caller ID. 

"Namjoon." It was a woman's voice he hadn't heard from in days, weeks, months or maybe it was years. It was hard for Namjoon to keep track. 

"Mom." Namjoon sat down on the bed while his hands shook. "Why you calling me?" 

"I need a favor from you." Mrs. Kim stated to Namjoon. 

"What do you need? Money." Namjoon sighed while shaking his head. Mrs. Kim called Namjoon after years of abandonment. 

"I need you to let your father free." Mrs. Kim said and Namjoon bit his lip before hanging up the phone. Namjoon paced back and forth while shaking his head. 

There was no way that he would let his father free. He was a monster who deserved to rot in hell. Mrs. Kim wanted everything to work out with her husband and her son. She loved both of them to pieces but she chose Mr. Kim. 

Namjoon finally answered the phone with irritation. "What?" 

"Namjoon, you owe this family. You did this to us." 

"How did you get my number?" Namjoon shouted at her through his phone. Namjoon was so loud that everyone in the dorm could hear him. Everyone was shocked to hear how angry Namjoon got angry. 

"Your sister gave it to me. Namjoon you know you lied to those people in court." Mrs. Kim was now begging on the phone. 

"I rather kill myself than ever deal with that man." 

"All you have to say is that he deserves parole. His parole date is coming up in a month or two." 

"I said no Mom. I rather die." Namjoon screamed at his mother before throwing his cell phone against the wall. The phone broke in many pieces. Namjoon threw a paint can against the wall. The wall dripped with paint falling onto the floor of the room. 

All of the members never seen him angry but they were kind of scared when they heard crashing in Namjoon's room. All of the members were in the living room watching tv. Jin looked over at Yoongi and Yoongi rolled his eyes. 

"What? I'm not talking to Namjoon." Yoongi looked away from Jin. Jin got up from the couch getting ready to see Namjoon. Namjoon walked through the living room grabbed his coat and rushed out of the dorm. Namjoon pulled his hood over his eyes before walking to his studio. He sat outside before removing a pack of cigarettes from his hoodie. 

Namjoon stopped smoking but every time his mother called, Namjoon has an itch to smoke a cigarette. Namjoon worked on new songs all night and by the time he came home. Jin was sitting on the couch while everyone else's went to sleep. 

"Hey." Jin greeted Namjoon. 

“Hey.” Namjoon gave Jin a small smile. “How’s Jungkook?”

“He’s good.” Jin stated to Namjoon. “but it would help if you can be there for him.”

“I am.”

“You aren’t. He needs you. You are his idol. The person he respects the most out of all of us.” Jin stated to Namjoon. Namjoon sighed while pushing his hair back. “Food is for you if you are hungry.” Jin patted Namjoon’s shoulder before heading to his and Yoongi’s room. 

Namjoon heard sobbing and the light was on and Namjoon followed the sounds coming from the bathroom. Namjoon’s heart broke right as Jungkook scrambled to stop the bleeding. Namjoon pushed his hair back and forced Jungkook to sit on the toilet.

Namjoon found some alcohol and Band-Aids to wrap Jungkook’s slit wrist. The bathroom floor had small drops of Jungkook’s blood.

Namjoon and Jungkook sat in silence.

“Don’t tell the other guys.” Jungkook whispered to Namjoon and Namjoon sighed.

“You should tell them yourself. They need to know. Cutting yourself is not the answer.”

“It hurts. I see their face every time I closed my eyes. I need some way to relieve the pain and stress.” Jungkook explained to Namjoon.

“I get it.” Namjoon mumbled.

“You do.”

“It hurts to breathe right and sometimes you need to see some blood to take away the suffocation feeling.” Namjoon said to JK.

Jungkook was shocked that Namjoon was getting it and he explained it much better than he could ever had. Namjoon was good with words.

“How?” Jungkook questioned Namjoon.

Namjoon sighed and wished he didn’t share this experience with Jungkook, but he knew he needed to stop this before it got any worse for Jungkook. Self-harm is hard to stop.

“Because I used to self-harm.” Namjoon pushed his sleeve up and showed the faded cut scars across his arms then Namjoon showed his stomach that had more cuts and burns that was self-inflicted. The first truth of Namjoon’s past of BTS was now pouring out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon reveals one of the secrets to the gang in order to help Jungkook.

Namjoon hated showing his weak self but Jungkook needed someone who understood what happened to him. He knew he had to speak about it but he didn't want to. 

"You should talk to someone." Namjoon advised. 

"I'm talking to you." Jungkook told Namjoon and Namjoon shook his head. Jungkook couldn't stop himself from being his sassy self even when it was 2 in the morning and his face was wet with tears. 

"I think you should talk to an therapist. I can found someone who's equipped for this." Namjoon placed his hand on Jungkook's shoulder and Jungkook nodded. 

"Okay sounds good." Jungkook mentioned and Namjoon got up from leaning against the sink and helped Jungkook up from the toilet that he was sitting on. Jungkook knew he needed to trust Namjoon despite the fact that talking to a therapist scares the death to him. 

Namjoon and JK left the bathroom together while Namjoon had his hand on Jk's shoulder. Namjoon was staring forward trying not to get another memory but he knew once he was alone, he would see the man the monster who helped created RM. 

Everyone was now wide awake. Namjoon quickly pulled his sleeves down and put his top down to hide the marks. 

"Kookie, you okay?" Jin questioned Jungkook. 

"Yeah I'm good. Namjoon and I spoke." Jungkook smiled at Jin. 

"Jungkook tell them the truth." Namjoon advised and Jungkook shook his head. Namjoon sighed and gave him a stern look. 

"Don't force someone to talk Namjoon." Jin stated before escorting JK back to his room. Namjoon rolled his eyes before rushing back to his room. He was exhausted and tired. He needed some sleep. 

He laid down on his bed staring at the ceiling. Namjoon eyes closed shut. 

_There was knocking on the door and Namjoon was by himself. He answered it without looking out the peephole. There was two cops standing in his doorway._

_"Hello is Mr. Kim here."_

_"No, he's at work."_

_"Who are you?" The officer asked Namjoon._

_"Namjoon." Namjoon responded while fiddling with his fingers._

_"Do you mind if we talk to you for a couple minutes?"_

_"No of course not." Namjoon let the officers into the house. Namjoon sat down on the couch and the two cops stared at Namjoon._

_"We were called to your house to investigate concerns about your living situation." Officer Park stated. Namjoon nodded._

_"Who?"_

_"Your teacher. She's concerned." Officer Park continued to speak to the boy. Namjoon was 13 years old at this moment._

_"Namjoon, is there something you want to tell us."_

_Namjoon opened his mouth but closed it. Namjoon didn't know if he could trust the officers. Would they believe him or would they be in denial like his mother._

_"My dad he hurts me." Namjoon spoke out and Officer Park wrote down notes._

_"When is he coming home?" Officer Park mentioned._

_"Around 5pm." Namjoon shook with fear and his eyes kept glancing around the room._

_"We'll stay then."_

Namjoon opened his eyes when he heard an alarm clock blasting in his ears. He sighed while shaking his head. He got up from the bed and stared at himself in the mirror. He looked so unhealthy, he looked so much older. 

He grabbed a pair of sweats before walking out of the room. JK was sitting on the counter while Jin was preparing food. Jk looked at Namjoon. They had a silent conversation. Namjoon knew that Jk didn't inform what happened last night. 

Namjoon sighed and pulled his sleeves up and placed his hands on the counter. The scars were prominent in this bright light and it was more shown because makeup wasn't hiding it anymore. In order to get Jk to tell the truth Namjoon would have to admit to some of his past. He wanted to help JK but Namjoon knew he was far from the right person to get him through. 

At first no one noticed it, Namjoon wasn't hiding his stomach anymore either. Usually Namjoon would hide his stomach cuts by simply putting his pants over his shirt that was too short on his body. Most shirts were. 

Jimin noticed the marks pretty quickly. JK eyes were wide because he never thought the cuts and the burns that Namjoon inflicted on him were terrible but the light from the living room and kitchen showed it in plain sight. 

"Namjoon what happened to your arms." Jimin asked quickly over to touch the marks. Jk looked at Namjoon and Namjoon gave JK a small smile before taking a deep breathe. 

"I used to have a habit of hurting myself." Namjoon confessed. Jimin eyes went wide with shock and Jimin was now calling everyone over to see Namjoon's arms. Jimin flipped them around to see the damage that Namjoon did to his body. He kept that addiction a secret like his smoking a secret. 

Jin was shocked with Namjoon's arms. 

"Why?" Hobi asked his friend. 

"I was miserable when I was young. I was miserable for a long time." 

"But why" Hobi kept asking questions. Namjoon knew they had no idea about Namjoon life and how miserable he was. 

"My parents and I didn't get along." Namjoon shrugged his shoulders before grabbing a bottle of water. 

"That's no reason to hurt yourself." Yoongi finally said something to Namjoon. Yoongi was avoiding Namjoon because he was still pissed at him. "Gosh my parents and I never got along either but I would never do such a thing." 

Namjoon knew that Yoongi had depression so he would understand pain and misery. 

"Dad had a drinking problem which increased his anger and me wanting to do music was a different thing." Namjoon pushed his hair back while taking a sip of his water. No one had seen the bruises, the marks on his body. Not bang, not Yoongi, not Hobi, not Jimin, not Tae, not Jungkook and definitely not Jin. The marks were scars that were on his back. 

No one had any idea what to say in this moment. Namjoon stared at JK and he was urging JK to tell the guys the truth. JK looked down at his wrists which was safely covered up. 

"Namjoon, your parents." Jin said while touching the scars. "How long did you do this?" 

"Started when I was 10 years old up until we debuted." Namjoon told them the partial truth because despite everything, he trusted these boys but he didn't want them to know the scared little boy. 

Jin and the rest of boys fell into silence. 

"You never told us." Yoongi mentioned while eyeing the burn marks that plagued Namjoon's body. 

"I didn't want to bring it up." 

"So why now? You want to bring up attention on yourself when we all focused on JK." Yoongi sneered at Namjoon. Namjoon bit his lip before standing in front of Yoongi. 

"I'm doin this to help him." Namjoon spoke up before JK stood in between his older brothers. 

"I cut my wrists last night and Namjoon cleaned them." JK blurted out while raising his wrists that was carefully bandaged. Yoongi eyes flipped from Namjoon and JK. 

"He gets it." JK said. Namjoon leaned against the wall before grabbing his jacket rushing out of the dorm. JK shook his head at Yoongi. Everyone sat down on the couch trying to understand why JK would do such a thing. Jin wanted to run after Namjoon but knew that JK needed him more than the leader did. 

Namjoon pulled his hoodie sleeves down and his hood up. He entered his therapist office. Dr. Lee offered the seat in his office. Namjoon shook and tears fell from his eyes. He started sobbing. Dr. Lee sat next to Namjoon. Namjoon buried his head into Dr. Lee's chest sobbing so hard that it was hard for Namjoon to breathe. 

Dr. Lee wanted to help the boy but it was only getting harder. He saw those marks on his body first when he came to see him. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Police sits down with Jungkook. It's hard to tell your brothers the truth, it's gut retching but Namjoon knows he had to.

Dr. Lee held Namjoon for awhile. Namjoon eyes were red and puffy. 

"You okay?" 

"I don't know. I told the boys about dad being a drunk and my cuts." Namjoon sighed while leaning back in his seat. 

"Why did you tell them?" 

"I needed to help Jk. He self-harmed. I don't want him to get addicted to it." Namjoon said to Dr. Lee.

Dr. Lee smiled a little bit. "You are a good friend Namjoon." 

"I got him agreed to go to therapy. Do you have anyone who could work with him?" 

"Yeah I can give you their cards." Dr. Lee responded while patting Namjoon's shoulder. Namjoon nodded and his phone started ringing. 

"Hello" 

"Joon, we need you back here. The police wants to talk to JK but he shut down. He won't even tell them what happened." Jin ranted on. Namjoon sighed. 

"Okay, give me 5 minutes." Namjoon hung up the phone while pacing back and forth not saying anything. Dr. Lee stopped Namjoon and stared at him. 

"What's going on?" 

"Police is at our dorm to question JK and he's not responding at all." Namjoon sighed. "I have to do something." 

"I think you know what to do." Dr. Lee handed him a folder. Namjoon stared at the folder. "This was what the police gave me when I first started working with you Namjoon. Look over this file before you show it to JK. It's time your friends know the truth." 

Namjoon nodded while browsing through the file to see photos of young Namjoon a boy covered with bruises from head to toe. He saw notes of sexual abuse. He saw rape kit tests. Namjoon gulped and sat down on the couch. Dr. Lee looked at Namjoon. 

"Thank you for letting me see this." 

"Namjoon." 

"You're right, this conversation been overdue." Namjoon held onto the file that contained medical information of Namjoon Kim. Namjoon rushed to the dorm room. Jin looked relief that Namjoon was here but Yoongi looked beyond pissed at Namjoon. Namjoon sat down in front of Jk. Jungkook had those sad puppy eyes and he was gripping the pillow not saying anything. All of the boys were in the living room. Namjoon placed the file he held onto like his life depended on it on the table. 

"It's scary to admit that you were hurt right." Namjoon spoke up and JK looked up from the floor. "I know, it's scary because once you say it out loud it becomes real. I get it because admitting a crime happened it's the hardest thing you can do but JK you can do it. I know because i went through it." Just like that Namjoon said something real of his past. The officers were looking at Namjoon. Namjoon could feel the eyes on him but right now he could only focus on Jungkook. 

"I'm so sorry that this happened to you JK but you can't let this happen to someone else and keeping quiet is letting this man get away with this." Namjoon continued to try to convince JK. "You see this file, this is me. I was sexual abused for years and it killed me to admit that to anyone but you see the person who sexual abused me was my own father." 

JK had tears in his eyes and it broke his heart to hear Namjoon's voice break when telling his story. "but he wasn't the only who did it to me by the time i wanted justice against that person it was to late. I see you Kookie as myself and it hurts me. It hurts every ounce of my being so Jungkook, you are brave. You can do this." Namjoon told him and JK grabbed Namjoon's hand and pulled him into a hug. A warm soothing hug that both needed in that moment. 

Namjoon stood to the side in the kitchen while watching and hearing JK move his mouth telling his story to the police answering questions with a force in his voice. Namjoon closed his eyes before walking out of the dorm room and sat on the steps of dorm building. He felt a presence next to him. It was Yoongi. 

"I never knew." 

"because I didn't want you to know. It's hard to admit that your virginity was stolen by your father. It's shameful." Namjoon shook his head while he bit his lip to keep in his tears but it hurt like hell. Namjoon was stronger than most people did. 

"How could you never tell us any of this?" 

"Because it was the past. I thought I was over it but I guess not. My mom wants me to free my father by saying he deserve parole but he doesn't." Namjoon tears fell from his eyes. "i lost my family because I chose to put my father behind jail. I wished I didn't because then i would be able to see my sister and my mother wouldn't hate me." Joon couldn't help the tears from full on bursting out. Yoongi eyes had tears and he grabbed the leader into a hug and just like that Namjoon's dam was broken and Yoongi just kept holding him. Namjoon wrapped his arms around Yoongi's body. 

"You will always have us." Yoongi said to Namjoon. The door opened and both boys stood up from the steps and police officers smiled at the two boys. Officer stood in front of Namjoon. 

"You are so brave that took guts and Jungkook is lucky to have someone like you around." Officer took his hand out in front of him and Namjoon shook his hand. 

"Thank you." Namjoon said and both boys enter the dorm and that's when Jungkook eyes were puffy and red. Two members now had eyes that were puffy and red. Two members with relevant experiences that would connect them. 

Namjoon picked up his file that he got from Dr. Lee. He opened the file to see what it said in front of the members. Photos were in the file. It was beyond disgusting. Jin looked like he could throw up as he saw an 8 year old boy with bruises across his body. Namjoon gripped the counter and closed his eyes. He was breathing in and out. Yoongi looked at Jin before Jin urged Yoongi to go with Jungkook to the room. 

"Joonie." Jk said but Namjoon had his head down. Namjoon wanted to forget. JK saw a peak in the file and he felt in that moment that Namjoon had it worse than him no doubt about it. 


	6. Chapter 6

Jin was the oldest and the person who could comfort anyone. Yoongi couldn't do that for Namjoon, he was better suited for Jungkook. Jin placed his hand on Namjoon's shoulder while Namjoon continued to breathe heavy. He was losing oxygen. 

"Namjoon please follow my breathing." Jin encouraged Namjoon and Namjoon stared at Jin as he made Namjoon sit on the kitchen counter. Jin quickly shut the folder thinking this was triggering Namjoon. Jin felt his heart break more and more when he heard gut wrenching sobs that he never heard from Namjoon. 

Namjoon was the tough one. He could get through anything but it seems the leader was no longer as strong as he was from the past. Jin didn't know and it killed him that Namjoon had all this pain going through his head. 

None of the boys would have ever thought that Namjoon had this horrible past that he covered up by avoidance. Namjoon was great at lot of things. 

Jin got Namjoon to calmed down in no time. Namjoon was shaking a lot and had his eyes closed while he bit his lip. Jin had his hands wrapped around Namjoon's hand. 

"Joon, it's going to be okay." 

"I hate the color blue." Namjoon mumbled and Jin felt the tightening of his hand. Jin and Namjoon went back outside of the dorm not saying anything. Namjoon laid his head on Jin's shoulder. Namjoon took out a pack of cigarette and Jin for the first time saw Namjoon bringing out a lighter and placed into his mouth not saying anything. Namjoon's hand was shaking. 

"You smoke?" Jin asked because the Namjoon he knew from back in the day detested smoking and he always told the members to never pick up a cigarette but here he was doing something hypothetical. 

Namjoon stared at Jin and he put the cigarette back into the pack but Namjoon was shaking a lot. Namjoon and Jin was about to enter the dorm when his name was shouted. 

"Joonie." 

Namjoon turned around to see Mrs. Kim and his sister. Namjoon stared at his family. "What are you doing here?" 

"We need to talk about our father." Namjoon's sister said while looking at her brother. 

"I don't want to." Namjoon was about to walk away but his sister pulled him away. 

"He made a mistake. He's been in that jail for awhile Namjoon. He's our father. I want my dad back and mom deserves her husband." Namjoon's sister stated and Namjoon bit his lip. 

"Well, why don't you bother his other victim and leave me alone." 

"No because Namjoon I want my family back." She cried to her brother and Mrs. Kim looked at Namjoon. 

"If he comes back then that's it. I won't be there." Namjoon said to her. She looked shocked at Namjoon. 

"Namjoon, he didn't do what you said he did. I would have heard it." She spoke up with shakiness in her voice. 

"You’re calling me a liar. I’m your brother." Namjoon stormed into the dorm while Jin quietly followed him. They closed the door and Namjoon fell to the floor and started sobbing. Jin held Namjoon while Namjoon buried his head into Jin's chest. Jin rocked him back and forth. Namjoon sobs were now filling the dorm room. Jin didn't know that was his family. 

Jin now looking back realizes they were truth to everything, and the signs were there. Why didn't he see the signs? The sobs were no more and Namjoon was now asleep with his head on Jin's chest. Jin decided he wasn't going to move but instead he would let Namjoon sleep on him. Sleep soon overtook him. 

The next morning, tension filled the room while Namjoon rushed to the bathroom to clean himself up. Jin was in the kitchen about to make breakfast and Jimin was sighing looking through Namjoon’s file. Jungkook was still in his room with Yoongi comforting the Maknae. 

Tae looked at Jin and Jimin. It was too quiet. Would BTS be okay? Would both Jungkook and Namjoon get through their traumas? Those were the questions that filled Tae’s mind. It was the questions filled for the rest of the boys.

“What you making?” Tae asked Jin while he sat next to Jimin on the bar stool.

“Just some food you know.” Jin mumbled and Jin sighed.

“Namjoon’s not okay, is he?” Jimin finally spoke up and Jin closed the file that Jimin was analyzing.

“How do we help him and Jungkook?” Tae now looked towards Jin to have some answers. The door to Jungkook’s room busted open and Yoongi sighed while grabbing a bottle of water. Yoongi’s eyes were puffy and looked like he didn’t have a nice sleep just like Jin.

“For one, I know for a fact that Namjoon had a therapy session this afternoon and Jungkook agreed to see a therapist.” Jin informed both Jimin and Tae. They tension slowly decreased.

“Namjoon brought a tub of paint saying that paint can trigger people into memories they don’t want to live through. He said it was for Jungkook but the color haven’t set him off like…Namjoon.” Jimin sighed while pushing his hair back.

“Namjoon should be comfortable. Blue, he hates that color.” Jin eyes popped open before Jimin showed him the paint.

All the boy got ready to paint while Yoongi decided he wanted to compose a song leaving Jin, Tae, Jimin, Hobi and even Jungkook to redo the house and get rid of the color blue. By the time Namjoon arrived back to the dorm, he dropped his coffee onto the floor. He covered his mouth.

“We know you hate the color blue and we get it now.” Jungkook mumbled to Namjoon.

Joon couldn’t help but hug Jungkook and Jungkook hugged him back. “Thank you.”

Jungkook nodded and soon it turned into a group hug. As soon as the maknae’s left it was the older members with Namjoon in the middle of the couch. Hobi on one side and Jin on the other side.

“We want the full story Namjoon…only if you are ready to tell us.” Hobi encouraged and Namjoon and the leader took a deep breath and closed his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to reveal Namjoon's past more and what came out of all the horrible trauma he went through.

Namjoon hated this part the most. He was always good at keeping secrets from the boys but now he had no choice. Every one of the boys were staring at him while he sat down on the couch of the dorm that he lived with the boys for years. 

"Namjoon." 

"I'll tell you guys but give me a moment to figure out where to start." Namjoon bit his lip while looking down at his hands. He shook his head. 

"I can't remember a time in my life where I wasn't afraid of my dad of the world but you guys became the first people I could trust in awhile." Namjoon started saying. Yoongi felt his heart break into pieces. He was trying to keep his emotions in check. 

Namjoon looked at everyone in the room. His hands wouldn't stop shaking nonstop. Hobi grabbed Namjoon's hand and smiled at him. 

"You guys became family to me and god knows how much screwed up I would have been without you guys in my life. Without BTS, I have no purpose." Namjoon ranted. 

"Namjoon tell us about your father stop putting it off." Yoongi stated bluntly. Jin glared at Yoongi. Namjoon sighed. 

"I was eight when it started happened." Namjoon closed his eyes. 

_Come on Namjoon let's play dress up._

_Daddy, I'm tired can I just sleep._

_Not before daddy have fun with his favorite son._

_Daddy removed little Namjoon's favorite pjs. The pjs were soon soaked with fear, blood and his father's cum. The sheets were covered with his dad's body._

_Namjoon ran up to lock the bedroom door and sobbed with his knees against his chest. Namjoon sobbed quietly not saying anything._

_******_

_Namjoon held his books to his chest as he walked to school. He was wearing big round glasses. Namjoon was 12 years old. He sat in the front taking notes. He felt the throws paper balls at the back of his desk. Namjoon pulled his sleeves down trying to not to show his tortured body to anyone ever. Mrs. Cole looked over at her star pupil and noticed how dull his eyes had gotten._

_He was already an outcast thanks to his father being the town's drunk._

_Namjoon was in the bathroom while he took spit balls out of his hair. Namjoon gripped the bathroom sink while tears covered his face. He stared at himself in the mirror trying to prepare a mask but it was no use._

_A couple older boys came into the bathroom. Namjoon shook with fear. One boy had sharp spiky hair. He had an evil grin and another boy pushed Namjoon into the wall of the bathroom._

_Outside of the bathroom were a sign that said it was out of order. Namjoon tried to scream but as soon as the boy with the spiky hair covered his mouth, Namjoon couldn't find his voice anymore. He was terrified and the older boys enjoyed seeing Namjoon afraid. They laughed before each boy took their turn inside of Namjoon._

_Namjoon leaned against the wall shaking and tears fell onto his jeans that was now doused in his own blood._

_"Keep your mouth shut, if you know what's best for you." The boy with the spiky hair told Namjoon while pulling his hair to force him to stare at him. Namjoon nodded obediently. The boy with the spikey hair stated before forcing Namjoon to open his mouth and stuck his erect member down Namjoon's throat._

_Namjoon stuck the member before being forced to swallow the cum from the older boy. The older boys were 14 and 15 years old. Namjoon head was released and Namjoon sobbed on the floor before forcing himself to stare at himself in the mirror._

_A boy who was never truly happy. Namjoon reached inside his backpack to find a piece of razor. He put it up to his wrist and watched the blood drip into the sink not saying anything._

_Namjoon grabbed his bag and put his hood on before gripping his backpack in his hands. It was so tight that his knuckles were turning white. He entered his house to see his mom was humming and smiling while she danced with Namjoon's father. Namjoon walked to his room and locked the door before he curled up inside of his blankets letting sobs consumed his every body._

_Namjoon walked to the bathroom and grabbed a pill bottle and swallowed the pills. That was the first time that Namjoon attempted suicide._

_The bathroom door was being banged on but Namjoon was now on ground with the empty pill bottle in his hands. Mrs. Kim opened the door as soon as her husband opened it to see her only son on the ground not moving._

_She screamed loudly and shook Namjoon begging him to wake up but it was no use._

_Mrs. Kim was holding her son's hand tightly sobbing quietly as she traced her hands over the past scars and cuts along her precious beautiful son. Namjoon slowly opened his eyes._

_Mrs. Kim grabbed her son and Namjoon sobbed into her chest begging her to let him die._

_"I don't want to be here mom. Why did you save me?" Namjoon sobbed in his mother's chest._

_****_

"After that mom sent me to therapy, it worked for a brief moment but i slipped back into old habits." Namjoon rubbed his wrists together. Jin looked disgusted at Namjoon's story. "I tried several times to tell my mom what was going on when she wasn't home or at school but she never listened."

"Damnit Namjoon, have you thought about death since then?" 

"My thoughts is always about death. I mean have you not heard my song Always." Namjoon gave them a small smile. Namjoon got up from the couch and poured himself a glass of water. 

"I'm sorry that you had to go through that. You never deserved that." 

"I was strong enough to sit on the stand and testify against my father before I came to Seoul before I met Sejin." Namjoon confessed to the boys. "I ran away from that town because I had to. I still think of death and i still tried to end my life more times than I can count." 

Yoongi felt disgusted over the thought of their leader not being strong but being scared and terrified. Those marks on Namjoon wasn't someone who wanted to get rid of the pain. It was someone who wanted their life to end. 

"Namjoon." 

"Don't worry about me, I'm not going to kill myself anytime or ever. I'm back in therapy and every time I get those thoughts I see my therapist that I had since I came to Seoul. I'm going to be fine. I worry about JK." 

"Don't worry about him. You convinced him to tell the truth. You convinced him to go to therapy. That's amazing Namjoon." Jin patted Namjoon's shoulder. He hugged Namjoon tight. Hobi was next to hug Namjoon. Yoongi stood in front of Namjoon and he hugged him. Namjoon hugged him back tightly. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon grabbed a beanie before slowly walking out of the dorm to see it was his little sister. She got up from the step. Namjoon froze in place and she hugged Namjoon tight. Namjoon wrapped his arms around her. 
> 
> "What's goin on?" 
> 
> "Dad...something happened to him." She said while tears fell from her eyes. 
> 
> "I don't have a dad." 

Namjoon was sitting across from the man who had hurt him more times than he could count. He stared at the man, there was an ache inside of him. The man looked so much like an older version of Namjoon. The boys wanted to come with him but Namjoon wouldn't let them see his father. 

"Joon." He greeted him while he held his own hands in his. 

"It's Namjoon." 

"I'm so proud of you for making all of your dreams come true." 

"Yeah well I did it on my own." Namjoon spoke harshly so much that his own father's smile was now gone from his face. 

"I introduced you to rap. Don't forget that." 

"Are you serious? You introduced me to hurt, pain, suffering and sex. You are the first experienced I had with sex." Namjoon bit his lip shaking his head. 

"I served my time Namjoon. I'm not a bad person." 

"You are. What kind of father raped their own son? What kind of father loves to see their son in pain? What kind of father leaves scar so much that his own son flinches or the thought of having sex scares them. You are a fucking bad person." Namjoon stood up from his seat. 

"Namjoon, please." 

"You can go to hell for all I care." Namjoon left the room leaving tears from his eyes. Namjoon caught sight with his father's lawyer. She walked up to Namjoon and stared at him. 

"I'm not. The answer is no." Namjoon walked out of the jail cell before rushing home. He rushed through the door to see no one was there and Namjoon rushed to his room. He reached into a box before throwing and ripping the boxes. He felt someone wrap his arms around Namjoon. 

"Shh, Namjoon. It's me." Jin told Namjoon to stop and Namjoon faced Jin while a full sob fell out of his mouth. Jin looked around the room to see papers were torn and a notebook that contained Namjoon lyrics. Namjoon collapsed into Jin's arms while Jin led them down onto the floor. All of the members looked from the doorway not knowing what to do. They got back from Jungkook's first therapy session. It was hard to be there for one member but try both members. 

Jin hugged Namjoon tight and Namjoon felt safer than anyone could think of. Jin looked at the remaining members asking Jimin to get some water. Jimin bent down and handed Namjoon a glass of water. Namjoon drank the water. Namjoon curled up onto his bed and Jin tucked Namjoon into bed. There was a knock on the door. Jin answered it to see officers were now back. 

"We made an arrest today over the guys who attacked Jungkook." The officers informed Jin and Jin nodded. He was grateful those men were going to be charged but now the trial. 

Namjoon woke up to see the mess in his room. He went through the papers and he stopped when he saw an old photo of himself when he was little. Little Namjoon Kim had on a pair of overalls and was being held in his mother's arms. He had a beaming smile and Namjoon bit his lip while crumpling the pic before tossing it into the trash. Namjoon grabbed a beanie before slowly walking out of the dorm to see it was his little sister. She got up from the step. Namjoon froze in place and she hugged Namjoon tight. Namjoon wrapped his arms around her. 

"What's goin on?" 

"Dad...something happened to him." She said while tears fell from her eyes. 

"I don't have a dad." 

"He killed himself right after you visited him. Don't you feel anything." She screamed at Namjoon outside of the dorm. Namjoon chuckled and laughed like a maniac. 

"You think I give a shit about that man. I don't and if he killed himself good for him." Namjoon spat out. Jin came out of the dorm right as he saw Namjoon's sister hit him across the face. 

"You're the reason. You couldn't get over your problems with dad." She continued to scream at Namjoon. 

"Really, my problems aren't minor. He raped me. He removed my clothes off in my bedroom. I can't go into that room without having a panic attack." Namjoon eyes were blurring. "And I'm sorry that for once, I feel okay. It's fucked up but he fucked me up a long time ago." Namjoon sobbed out while Jin wrapped his arms around Namjoon again letting the younger sob into his chest. Hoseok grabbed Namjoon and made him come into the dorm. 

Jin turned towards Namjoon's sister and his comforting smile was now gone. "What the hell? You may not believe but if you are going to make him feel like shit. I suggest you go home and don't come back until you can learn to help Namjoon." Jin urged her before walking up the stairs leaving her with her mouth opened. 

Namjoon was on the couch shaking his head. 

"Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine. He's dead. I'm happy that he's gone." Namjoon had a beaming smile and he was laughing. It was kind of creepy to the other members. "I can breathe finally." Namjoon grabbed a bottle of water. 

The very next day, Namjoon was humming a tune while he grabbed the kettle to have some tea. He was drinking tea from his cup. Yoongi and Jin were watching from the doorway with wide eyes. 

"This isn't normal. Yesterday he was crying and now he's not." Jin pointed out. 

"Yeah far from normal. His father killed himself and Namjoon acting like nothing happened. He was laughing." Yoongi also confirmed. "Should we call his therapist?" 

Jin looked back at Namjoon who was bouncing up and down and dancing with Jimin and Tae. Both boys looked weirded out even Tae thought that was weird. They were all on the couch watching television. Jungkook was with the prosecutor in the meantime, Jimin went with him. Namjoon phone rang and he answered it. 

Namjoon's smile fell from his face and bit his lip. "I don't have to go just give everything to my mom and sister." 

"Namjoon." 

"They want me to go back to Ilsan. Apparently, my fucking father had a will and I'm in it." Namjoon lips shook. "I don't want anything from him. I can't step foot in Ilsan." Namjoon burst out in tears. 

"Joon, it will be okay. We all will go." Jin patted Namjoon's shoulder. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm going to prescribe some medication antidepressant to help with his depression and anxiety." Dr. Lee stated to them before Jin led him to Namjoon's room. He knocked on the door. Dr. Lee managed to pick the lock and entered the room to see Namjoon shaking and crying. He was scratching at his arms. Jin covered his mouth and he was glad that he was the only one who saw Namjoon this way. Dr. Lee grabbed Namjoon's hands to prevent him from hurting himself more. Namjoon eyes were glazed over like he wasn't there. Jin felt tears slip from his eyes. 
> 
> "What's happening?" 
> 
> "He's had a breakdown. Shit...I was worried about this. He was pushed too far." Dr. Lee got up from the floor and stood in front of Jin. He placed his hand on Jin's shoulder. 
> 
> "I need him to be admitted to the hospital." 
> 
> "For how long." 
> 
> "Jin, he needs time to recollect his thought and you can't make sure he's not hurting himself. When he's in this headspace, he tends to hurt himself." Dr. Lee informed the boy. Jin nodded. 

All of the boys were sitting on the couch not saying anything. Namjoon locked himself in his room. Jimin and Jungkook arrived back home a couple minutes ago. Jin was shaking his head. 

"What do we do?" 

"I don't know." 

"Maybe we should talk to his therapist." Jungkook spoke up finally. "I mean it was nice to have one of you guys in my therapy session. It gave me comfort to have you guys there and for you guys to understand what I was going through." 

Everyone nodded. "Do we know Namjoon's therapist?" 

"Nope." 

"I feel bad. He has been going to the therapist for years and we had no knowledge about it." Jimin sighed while shaking his head. "I mean it had been years and not once did we think that Namjoon had issues." 

"Yeah, we always thought he was fine. I mean he's the leader of BTS. He always held all of us together. I mean for goodness sake, he made Jimin go to therapy. He made Jin talk to someone and me, he told me it was fine to address mental health in songs." Yoongi sighed. 

Jin called Sejin. 

"Hello." 

"Sejin, we need Namjoon's therapist number and name." 

Sejin sighed and told Jin the number. He called the number immediately. 

"Hello." 

"Is this Dr. Lee?" 

"Yes, it is who is this?"

"This is Jin. Namjoon's friend." 

"Oh, Jin what can I do for you?" 

"Are you busy now? Namjoon locked himself in his room. We can't get him out. We all worried. He's been sobbing nonstop. We don't know what to do." 

"I'll be there as soon as possible." 

"Thank you." Jin gave Dr. Lee the address of the BTS dorm. It felt like forever when they heard the knock on the door. Jin quickly opened the door. 

"Dr. Lee." 

"Jin." 

"Yup. Come in." 

Dr. Lee walked through the dorm until Jin led him to the couch. He wanted Dr. Lee to get the full story and why Namjoon was locked in his room. 

"What happened?" 

"He saw his father yesterday and I guess his father killed himself. Ever since Namjoon has been a mess. They want him to go to the will reading which is in Ilsan. He had a full panic attack about going back to Ilsan." Jin sighed while looking at the door. 

Dr. Lee shook his head. He knew that even though it had been years, that there was no way that Namjoon was prepared to go back to his hometown. It will cause Namjoon to shut down more. He didn't want to hospitalize Namjoon but that's what Dr. Lee was afraid of. 

"He's not ready." 

"What do we do?" 

"He's not going to Ilsan. It will ruin his recovery." 

"He's been recovering for years now." 

"Maybe but recovery is a lifelong process and it's hard to move past trauma that was caused by family instead of strangers. Namjoon has been seeing for as long as BTS has been going on but he never fully healed. He can't heal properly unless he's okay to tell his story without breaking down." Dr. Lee informed the members. 

"What do we do huh." Jimin asked the psychiatrist. Dr. Lee knew that he had to put Namjoon back on medication and he also knew that Namjoon hated medication. 

"I'm going to prescribe some medication antidepressant to help with his depression and anxiety." Dr. Lee stated to them before Jin led him to Namjoon's room. He knocked on the door. Dr. Lee managed to pick the lock and entered the room to see Namjoon shaking and crying. He was scratching at his arms. Jin covered his mouth and he was glad that he was the only one who saw Namjoon this way. Dr. Lee grabbed Namjoon's hands to prevent him from hurting himself more. Namjoon eyes were glazed over like he wasn't there. Jin felt tears slip from his eyes. 

"What's happening?" 

"He's had a breakdown. Shit...I was worried about this. He was pushed too far." Dr. Lee got up from the floor and stood in front of Jin. He placed his hand on Jin's shoulder. 

"I need him to be admitted to the hospital." 

"For how long." 

"Jin, he needs time to recollect his thought and you can't make sure he's not hurting himself. When he's in this headspace, he tends to hurt himself." Dr. Lee informed the boy. Jin nodded. 

"Okay do it then." Jin muttered and Dr. Lee grabbed Namjoon from the floor and helped him walk. Jin told them to go into their rooms and each member listened to Jin. Jin didn't want any of them to see Namjoon broken. Namjoon looked lost as Dr. Lee put him in his car. 

Jin stood at the doorway watching his leader being taken away. Jin bit his lip. Dr. Lee stood in front of Jin. 

"You guys are doing everything right to help him but sometimes, professional help is much needed." 

"I didn't know that it would trigger Namjoon." 

"Triggers are hard for rape survivors. No one knows what triggers people even the survivors don't know so don't beat yourself up and try to get sleep. All of you guys need sleep." Dr. Lee patted Jin before driving off to the hospital. 

Dr. Lee checked Namjoon in, his coworker standing next to them while Namjoon sat on the hospital bed with his knees into his chest. Dr. Kang looked at Namjoon. 

"What the hell happened?"

"Breakdown. Apparently, the family and his father's lawyer wanted him to go to Ilsan." Dr. Lee shook his head before clutching the counter looking away from Namjoon. "He was fine but it seemed like he's 15 again." 

"He'll be fine." Dr. Kang comforted her coworker. 

"It's not fine. I have to put him back on medication. I hate the thought of putting him on medication once again." Dr. Lee sighed. Dr. Lee never wanted to put patients on medication. He was one of those psychiatrists who opposed medications. Dr. Kang agreed with Dr. Lee on those medications. 

"Some people need it. He might need it for the long run. You tried without medications and looked at what happened. He's not fine. It's not normal to have this reaction over going to some location. He was attacked in Ilsan but it has been years." 

\----

Everything was never going to be normal. Jungkook was constantly gone with his therapy session and with his court trial coming up. Jimin made sure to go with Jungkook to everything. Yoongi consumed all of his time in the studio working hard. Hobi became obsessed with dancing. He spent nights and days in the dance studio. Tae and Jin were the only ones who made an effort on making things return to normal. Jin and Tae would cook together not saying anything. The boys’ comeback seemed like it kept getting pushed back. ARMYs was getting anxious and worried about it. Dr. Lee said that the boys shouldn't visit Namjoon while he was helping Namjoon snap back into reality with numerous trials of different drugs and medications. Dr. Lee was working around the clock with Namjoon. 

"Hey, Tae, you okay?' Jin asked Tae and Tae gave him a small smile. 

"I miss everyone." Tae responded while cutting an onion. Jin nodded. He missed Jungkook, and Namjoon. Jin's phone was ringing and Jin quickly answered it. 

"Dr. Lee." 

"Jin." 

"I told you I would give you updates on Namjoon." 

"Yes so any progress." 

"He stopped hurting himself but he's not ready to come home. We are trying different medications." Dr. Lee told Jin. Jin seemed to fill the leadership role easily and everyone seemed to respect that Jin was the temporary leader of BTS. 

"Medications." 

"We have to find the right combination before he comes home. Jin and you boys don't know how to handle a rape survivor or even an abuse survivor." 

"We seem to be doing well with Jungkook." 

"Jungkook told you guys right away about it. He was open and everyone reacted differently to trauma." Dr. Lee informed Jin. 

"Okay." Jin hung up the phone before sighing. Tae placed his hand on Jin's shoulder. 

"So Namjoon is not coming home." 

"Nope." 

Jin and Tae went back into silence while preparing dinner for the rest of the boys. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon is in the hospital after having a severe breakdown. It happened in the past too. Next couple chapters will be Namjoon in the hospital recovering and then it will do a time skip to like a month later. After Namjoon's stint in the hospital I will do the second half of the story to be all about Jungkook.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't want those fucking tapes. I don't want to remember my fucking father. He raped me over and over again. I hate the color blue." Namjoon gasped shaking his head and Namjoon bit his lip so hard that he could taste the blood but tears fell faster. "Can you guys please?" Namjoon whispered the words. Dr. Lee said quiet throughout the interaction and Dr. Lee led the family out of Namjoon's room.

Dr. Lee sat down with Namjoon's file in his hands and sat across from the boy that he thought of was like a son to him. Namjoon was more awake than previously and the straps were removed from his wrist. The marks were slowly fading away and Namjoon was slowly getting better each and everyday. Namjoon spent most of his time in his hospital room not saying much and Dr. Lee was worried about the boy not socializing with anyone.   
"Namjoon, you should take a walk outside of this room"   
Namjoon stared at Dr. Lee before looking outside of the window of his hospital room not saying much or anything. Namjoon sighed but wrapped his robe and put on his slippers. Dr. Lee was confused and Namjoon stared at the door before opening it and Dr. Lee followed suit. 

"Namjoon, I need you to talk to me." 

"I'm tired. I'm so tired." Namjoon stopped in front of Dr. Lee while rubbing his hair that was growing long, it was turning into a mullet. Dr. Lee stared at Namjoon's face, it was broken but with tired and baggy eyes showed that Namjoon wasn't healed but Dr. Lee didn't want to keep Namjoon in the hospital. He had to go back to his family and friends and he needed to be in the real world. 

Namjoon and Dr. Lee continued their walk in silence but Dr. Lee placed his hand on Namjoon's back to give him some sense of comfort and Namjoon didn't mind that at all. Namjoon may have hated hugging his members but touching always gave him comfort more than anybody knew. Namjoon stood still when he saw a woman with brown hair similar to his and his eyes color. It was two women, his mother and his sister. 

Dr. Lee nudged Namjoon and Namjoon sighed and nodded. Namjoon feet moved on their own but Namjoon now stood in front of the two women he had no contact in months with but then again Namjoon had been avoiding everyone in his life: Bang, Sejin, Jin, Yoongi, Jimin, Tae, Hoseok and poor Jungkook. Namjoon wanted to be there for Jungkook so bad but he couldn't be there. 

"Mom" Namjoon whispered the word. Mrs. Kim looked up and for the first time, Mrs. Kim eyes were red and puffy and her cheeks were dried with past tears. Mrs. Kim wrapped her arms around the taller boy that was her son. Namjoon was confused but nonetheless he hugged his mother for the first time since his father went to prison for raping and sexual assulting multiple children. Namjoon and Mrs. Kim pulled away from the hug. Mrs. Kim smiled gently. 

"You need to eat more Joon." Mrs. Kim stated and it was true. Namjoon was now severely underweight and boy Namjoon didn't want the boys to see him falling apart. 

"What you doing here?" 

"You're my son, I was worried when I didn't see you on an interview with the boys. I called Sejin." 

"No you didn't mom, I called Sejin." Namjoon's sister finally spoke up and she grabbed Namjoon's hand. Namjoon gripped her hands while his hands shook an effect of losing so much weight and the new experimental drugs he was being tested. This would be the third time, he would be on a set of different drugs. Namjoon was tired all the time, he was tired of being the broken Namjoon. If Army saw him now, would they be disappointed in him. He knew each of the BTS boys were working on their own mixtapes to give content to Army and RUN BTS was not happening. 

"Is there somewhere where we can talk?" Mrs. Kim placed her hand on his arm. Dr. Lee was proud of Namjoon for being strong with his family standing there. Namjoon led them back to his hospital room in which he didn't share with anyone but the hospital room were decorated with books, pictures of BTS and letters written from each member. Namjoon never responded. Namjoon knew it wasn't fair or cool of him to avoid the boys but this what he used to before debut days, even as a trainee. He would run but he always came back to Big Hit. 

Mrs. Kim looked around the room. Dr. Lee stayed in the room. 

"Joon." 

"What mom?" 

"I was being unfair to you." 

"What?" 

"I should have done more than say you were a liar." 

Namjoon bit his lip and nodded. "Mom." Namjoon's voice hoarse cracked while greeting his mother, the woman who brought so much pain to him. 

"Now that he's dead, I keep looking in that room and my room and...I saw tapes." Mom placed her hand on Namjoon's. Namjoon bit his lip while facing forward. 

"Did you know that he recorded it?" His sister jumped into the conversation. "None of us knew." 

"I...wished you believed in me." Namjoon tears fell from his eyes. "I'm weak, I'm so weak." 

"Namjoon." 

"I broke down and i'm fucking leader of BTS but i'm in fucking mental hospital because I wanted to kill myself when..." 

"When the will reading was at Islan." 

"Namjoon...honey, I've been terrible to you but he wanted you to have the tapes but your sister wanted to burn them." Mrs. Kim once again grabbed Namjoon's hand. "You are not weak far from it actually." 

"I don't want those fucking tapes. I don't want to remember my fucking father. He raped me over and over again. I hate the color blue." Namjoon gasped shaking his head and Namjoon bit his lip so hard that he could taste the blood but tears fell faster. "Can you guys please?" Namjoon whispered the words. Dr. Lee said quiet throughout the interaction and Dr. Lee led the family out of Namjoon's room. 

Mrs. Kim turned towards Dr. Lee clutching his hands. "You must think I'm horrible person." 

"I would never think that." Dr. Lee wrapped his hands around hers. "I understand why you didn't believe Namjoon. I don't hate anyone." 

"He's my son and I chose my husband over him. Please tell me he's going to be okay." Mrs. Kim had tears slip from her eyes. 

"Mrs. Kim, he will never be the same. He will have trauma that won't heal but I'm helping him get back to living a healthy and normal life. I think you guys talking to him now will help him more than you know." Dr. Lee informed Mrs. Kim and Namjoon's sister. 

Dr. Lee watched as Namjoon's sister grabbed her mother's hand while they walked out of the hospital together. Dr. Lee sighed while opening the door and he sat on the bed and Namjoon sobbed into Dr. Lee's chest. Dr. Lee hugged Namjoon tightly letting the boy shake with every sob. Namjoon fell asleep holding his pillow together so tight. 

Dr. Lee walked back and Dr. Kang gave him a reassuring smile. 

"How is he?" 

"I feel good about Namjoon. He's going to be fine." 

"How are you so sure?" Dr. Kang raised her eyebrow. 

"Namjoon got his closure." Dr. Lee closed Namjoon's file before walking down the steps but he was pushed to the side once a stretcher entered the hospital and Dr. Lee gasped while he saw a boy that had an oxygen mask over his face and they were doing chest compressions. Dr. Lee knew who it was. A boy with a brown hair and doe eyes. 

Jungkook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been slacking with Jungkook and have been focused on Namjoon's story but next chapter will be about Jungkook and how he came to the hospital. I know I've brushed Jungkook rape to the side but i will show his effects and trauma he faces 
> 
> Ps. the hospital that Namjoon is also a hospital where emergency happens but the mental hospital is connected to the main hospital but on the other side of the building. so yes Jungkook and Namjoon are in the same hospital. I also will reveal who Jungkook's doctor is.


	11. Chapter 11

No one expected it. Jungkook was making progress with his therapy sessions and working on his court case against those men who violated the Golden Maknae. No one took into account that maybe Jungkook shouldn't have been left home alone. All of the boys were dealing the aftermath of not having a leader in BTS anymore. Namjoon was gone for months and that caused so much pressure for the Maknae to put on an act.

Jungkook was in his room humming along and he sat down in front of his desk staring at the computer screen. His video camera was plugged in charging even though it was fully charged. It had been charging for months at this point. Jungkook couldn't even think of creating a Golden Closet Film. Each of the boys were doing their own content and doing Vlives for Army. Jimin often times did it with V. Hobi did it with Jin which was rare to do but most of the time, Hobi would do his Hope on the Street and Jin would resort to Mukbangs. Each member avoided talking about Namjoon and Jungkook was not ready to be on camera. 

Jungkook got up from the chair and placed the notebook that he hidden away. A notebook showed that Jungkook was far from fine. He wrote goodbye letters to each of the member thinking that he was never going to feel better. He walked to the bathroom and removed his shirt to see scars, cuts aligning his abs and scars that aligned his whole body. He gripped the sink while tears fell from his doe eyes. He locked the bathroom door before turning on the bathtub water letting it run. Jungkook placed himself in the bathtub while clutching his razor in his hand and watched as the blood fell from his wrist. Jungkook started feeling lightheaded. 

Jungkook couldn't keep those eyes open while the bathtub water was filled with blood and as Jungkook's head submerged into the bath water. The water overflowed and started coming out of the bathroom and made it's way over to the living just as soon as the front door opened. Jin emerged into the dorm building noticing it was quiet but Jin knew that Hobi was focusing on dancing, Jimin was working on his vocals, V was in the studio working on creating art, Suga practically lived in the studio no one really saw him as much ever since Namjoon failed to get better in a month's time. 

Jin placed the groceries on the counter and looked down to see the floor was wet. Jin started walking over the wetness and stopped at the bathroom to hear water. Jin knocked on the door. 

"Kook, you okay in there?" Jin asked but Kook did not respond. Jin tried to open the door but found it was locked. Jin kept banging onto the door and Jin finally nudged it open but felt the pain in his shoulders and Jin quickly walked over to the bathtub and fell to his knees pulling out the maknae. 

"Kook, please don't do this." Jin begged while he kept doing cpr but Jungkook was waking up. Jin quickly took out his cell phone and dialed emergency service immediately. 

"Come on don't die on me." Jin sobbed out while continuing to do CPR while adding pressure to his arm which was still bleeding. Jin's clothes were soaked wet with Jungkook's blood now on him. Jin's white shirt was now stained in blood. Jin continued to sob while tears fell from his eyes. "JK, why would you do this?" Jin continued to rant to Jungkook. "You not supposed to die before me." 

The door opened again and now it was two members of the maknae line entered the dorm building. Jimin and V heard sobbing and they couldn't ignore the redness of the water that was coming out of the bathroom. Both members followed Jin's voice. Jin placed Jk's head on his lap while trying to wipe the water away from his face. 

"Jin." Tae spoke quietly and Jimin covered his mouth. 

"Can one of you guys wait for the paramedics? Can someone track both Yoongi and Hobi please?" Jin was holding Jungkook in his hand like his life depended on it. Jimin turned of the water faucet. Jimin went to tract the two members it wasn't hard to though. 

Jimin knocked on the dance studio and Hobi smiled at Jimin but stopped once he saw tears clouding up his eyes. Jimin faced Hobi while clutching his hands while telling him the news. Hobi eyes went wide while the Vlive was going off with comments and Hobi ended the Vlive quickly before hugging Jimin while they both shed tears. The same thing happened when Jimin went to collect the stubborn rapper from his genius studio. Yoongi felt every part turned cold and he clutched his hands back and forth. 

Jin watched as they removed the boy from his hands and placed him on a stretcher. One of the paramedics ordered Jin to change into dry clothes so he wouldn't get hypothermia. 

The stretcher with Jungkook entered the hospital and Dr. Lee gasped while he saw a boy that had an oxygen mask over his face and they were doing chest compressions. 

Jin, Yoongi, Jimin, Tae, Hobi followed suit after. Dr. Lee grabbed Jin and pulled him into a hug while the doctors worked actively on Jungkook to get his breathing stable. Jin felt tears come down onto his cheeks. 

Dr. Cohen was soon called to the hospital after Dr. Lee called him to let him know what Jungkook had done. 

"He wrote goodbye letters to us. We were terrible hyungs." Tae stuttered while tears fell from his eyes. "How could be this terrible?" 

Dr. Cohen felt like a failure, Jungkook never showed any sign that he was suicidal. He didn't even have a relapse in months. Now because of his failure, the BTS boys could lose their brother. 

"It's not your fault, it's hard to deal with someone who has trauma but more so multiple people at the same time." Dr. Lee tried to comfort the boys but now he knew he had to tell Namjoon the news and god he hoped it wouldn't ruin his progress. 

Dr. Lee took the elevator before crossing over to the mental part of the hospital. Namjoon was in bed reading a book and Dr. Lee knocked on the door and Namjoon looked up. 

Dr. Lee sat on the bed and grabbed Namjoon's hands and Namjoon felt tears slip from his eyes. Namjoon got up shaking his head and pacing back and forth. Dr. Lee led Namjoon to the emergency ward and with every step. 

"Jin." Namjoon greeted his brother and friend for the first time in months. All of the members stood in front of Namjoon, each one hugging Namjoon tight but concern were placed once they felt his ribs sticking out. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yes you can. It's not your fault." Jin gave a encouraging smile. Jin grabbed Namjoon's arm and Namjoon and Jin both walked through the door while Namjoon tightened his grip on Jin's arm. Namjoon depended on Jin, now it seems that Jin took over the role of leader and carer for BTS. He kept the boys healthy making sure they were eating and not starving at all without Jin, BTS would have crumbled into pieces. It broke all of the boys to see cut marks and self-harm marks along Jungkook's body. Namjoon bit his lip while covering his mouth. Namjoon walked towards Jungkook's bed and held the boy hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic description of rape. If it triggers you, skip the chapter

"Any update." Namjoon pulled away from the hug from the boys. Namjoon sat down next to his brothers that he never saw anymore since he was stuck in the hospital. Yoongi was avoiding eye contact with Namjoon. Everyone could feel the tension in the waiting room while Sejin was watching over the boys. Namjoon had his knees to his chest. Jimin hadn't stopped crying since Jungkook had been rushed into the hospital. Jin was the ever strong older brother that the boys leaned on but Sejin wondered if Jin ever just let go of his emotions.

Sejin knew that Jin was the type to put on an act over his emotions but how long can someone fake their emotions before it take over them and cause them to break. BTS was ever in a constant state of heartbreak and pain and sorrow that Army would never know. BTS would never show Army how heartbroken they were.

A doctor came out of the room and entered the waiting room. Everyone stood up though it took some time for Namjoon to do just that. Doctor cleared her throat while holding onto Jungkook's chart. Sejin took the lead.

"Jungkook, how is he?"

"He stopped bleeding. He is stable right now, his heart is beating once again. He has yet to wake up but he should awake soon enough. We believe he is out of the danger zone right now" The doctor informed the group of Jungkook status.

"Can we visit him?" Jimin asked in a cracked voice and the doctor nodded leading them down to Jungkook's room. Namjoon stood back while watching all of the members enter the room.

"Namjoon." Jin called Namjoon placing his hand on Namjoon's shoulder.

"Jin, I can't go in there."

"Yes you can. It's not your fault." Jin gave a encouraging smile. Jin grabbed Namjoon's arm and Namjoon and Jin both walked through the door while Namjoon tightened his grip on Jin's arm. Namjoon depended on Jin, now it seems that Jin took over the role of leader and carer for BTS. He kept the boys healthy making sure they were eating and not starving at all without Jin, BTS would have crumbled into pieces. It broke all of the boys to see cut marks and self-harm marks along Jungkook's body. Namjoon bit his lip while covering his mouth. Namjoon walked towards Jungkook's bed and held the boy hand.

"I am so sorry." Namjoon whispered the words while rubbing Jungkook's hand. Namjoon pulled his hand away while rubbing Jungkook's marks that were on his arm.

"Namjoon, maybe you should leave." Yoongi spoke and this was the first time the rapper spoke out towards Namjoon. Namjoon gasped at Yoongi. "You not helping anything, in fact you're the one who taught Kookie about cutting."

"Yoongi that's enough." Hobi stood in front of Yoongi glaring at him. "It's no one's fault besides the rapist who destroyed our maknae innocence." Namjoon bit his lip so hard that he could taste the blood before rushing out of the room. He laid his head on the wall letting tears fall from his eyes.

Nothing was fine. Namjoon headed back to his room before Jin could stop him and as soon as he headed back into his room. He saw tapes on the desk that were from his mother. He touched the tape while clutching it into his chest. He sat down while he put the tape into the tv record player. 

_Namjoonie, smile for the camera._

_That's it now remove your top._

_Come on now it's not the time to be shy. I didn't raise you to be shy._

_You pretty handsome._

_Now remove your pants and yes your underwear_

_"I'm cold daddy and tired."_

_"I'll get you an ice cream if you do what I ask."_

_"But mommy doesn't want me to have ice cream."_

_"It can be our little secret like this."_

_"Why is it a secret daddy?"_

_"Because mommy wouldn't approve. You don't want to make your father sad now do you?"_

_"Of course not, I love my daddy." Joonie smiled big at the camera._

It made Namjoon feel his heart break in two while he saw how young and innocent he was. He didn't remember this being recorded. 

_"Come on Joonie, get on your knees for me just like the other times you have for me. Now open up your mouth."_

_Namjoon's father unzipped his past but not before sitting the camera in a position that shown Joonie on his knees sucking his father off and his father didn't hold back but forced him to continue to suck him off._

The tape ended and Namjoon felt tears pour from his eyes before taking another tape and placing it into the tv.

_Setting was in the basement once again but it was different once again, the room was filled with men and Namjoon was now on the floor._

_"You going to make my friends happy aren't you Joonie."_

_"Daddy"_

_"Just do what you do to me and my friends are going to be happy with you and I."_

_"Daddy, I want to play outside."_

_"And you will once we done with my friends. You want me to be happy don't you."_

_"Of course Daddy."_

_"Then you need to play with my friends like how I expect you to."_

_Namjoon's father urged the boy to remove his clothes and walk around the room naked. Namjoon did that and Namjoon's father laughed while slapping the little boy's bum over and over again. One of the friend pulled his pants down and Namjoon looked at his daddy and Namjoon's father nodded. Namjoon sat down on his knees while opening his mouth while the friend grabbed Namjoon's hair and stuffed his member down Namjoon's throat thrusting over and over again causing the man to cum inside of his mouth. Namjoon was ripped out from the man and passed onto the other friend who was rubbing his member and was leaking. The friend made Namjoon suck and lick the cum._

_Cum was now on the basement floor of Namjoon's house. Namjoon's father forced Namjoon to lick up the cum from the floor of the basement._

_"Wasn't that fun Joonie now i need you to play with me." Namjoon's father pried Namjoon's mouth opened and forced him to suck his member._

The video had moans coming from the tape along with the video being long. Namjoon stared at the screen and Dr. Lee came into the room and saw what Namjoon was watching and now the video was over. Namjoon clutched his hands while dry tears were on his cheeks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon's past contains child pornography and Namjoon's father was pimping out his own son. Let me know if there's something you want to see from any of the characters in the future.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just get better Jungkook. Just be better and we will always support you." Jin told the maknae before getting up from his hospital bed and left the hospital room while lying down against the wall. He placed his head in his hands while he couldn't stop the tears from falling his eyes. Jin sobbed quietly shaking ever so often. He heard footsteps and he knew it was Jimin. 
> 
> Jimin placed his hands on Jin's shoulder before grabbing him into hug letting his elder, sob into his chest. "Let it out, it's okay to cry Jin. You don't always have to be strong for us." 
> 
> Jin did just that letting the most painful sob letting the tears wet Jimin's shirt. Jimin had tears slipping from his eyes as well. Jin wiped his face and placed a small smile on his face. 

It had been a couple minutes since the maknae was awake. He had not said anything in that moment but the boys wished he did. It would give them so comfort but Jungkook just stared past them. Jin hand wrapped around Jungkook tightly. Jungkook squeezed Jin's hand. 

"Namjoon, where is he?" Jungkook stared at Jin. "He must be so disappointed in me." 

"He's not disappointed and neither are we. Jungkook, you should have told us how much you were hurting." Jin tried his hardest to comfort Jungkook but he knew what he was saying was contradicting himself. Each boys eyes were tired, red and puffy and bags were forming under their eyes. 

"I didn't want to hurt you guys more especially since Namjoon hasn't gotten better." Jungkook muttered. "So what's going to happen to me now." 

"Doctors want to keep you under surveillance." Jin informed the boys. "Jungkook you are under suicide watch." 

"So, I'm stuck here like a crazy person. I'm not crazy." Jungkook stood up in his bed while shaking his head and Jin placed his hands on the maknae's shoulders. 

"No, you not crazy but you tried to kill yourself that's scary beyond a doubt and god, we can't nor do we want to see you bloody again. I don't want to have to perform CPR because it was crazy Kookie watching not breathe." Jin ranted while tears fill his eyes. Jungkook felt tears slip out of his eyes. 

"I'm so sorry." Jungkook sobbed out while looking at his brothers. Jin nodded. 

"Just get better Jungkook. Just be better and we will always support you." Jin told the maknae before getting up from his hospital bed and left the hospital room while lying down against the wall. He placed his head in his hands while he couldn't stop the tears from falling his eyes. Jin sobbed quietly shaking ever so often. He heard footsteps and he knew it was Jimin. 

Jimin placed his hands on Jin's shoulder before grabbing him into hug letting his elder, sob into his chest. "Let it out, it's okay to cry Jin. You don't always have to be strong for us." 

Jin did just that letting the most painful sob letting the tears wet Jimin's shirt. Jimin had tears slipping from his eyes as well. Jin wiped his face and placed a small smile on his face. 

"BTS is a mess aren't we." Jin looked at Jimin who was one of the most mature members of BTS and Jin needed to lean on someone who was strong and Jimin was that person. Yoongi was pissed off constantly, Hobi couldn't handle sad and emotional moments and then there's Tae who was innocent and someone who wanted everyone to be happy but BTS wasn't fine in that moment and gosh it killed Jin to know that they was nothing that he could to fix Jungkook or even Namjoon. Their leader was the perfect leader, no one could take his spot. 

Heck even Bang and Sejin was worried that BTS would have to end. 

Jimin got up from the floor helping Jin get up from the floor right as the remaining members came out of Jungkook's room once Jungkook fell asleep. Jin walked over to the nurse's desk to ask what room Namjoon was in. Jin wanted to visit Namjoon before he left. 

Jimin went with Jin in that moment while the remaining members decided to head home. Jin encouraged Yoongi to go home and take care of Hobi and Tae make sure they were eating a meal. It had been a long 24 hrs without food inside of any of the members. The car was waiting for the BTS boys after the car was called by Sejin. Yoongi agreed with the elder. 

With every footstep he took towards Namjoon's room, Jin's heart was beating so loud that anyone could hear it. Jin wanted to tell Namjoon that Jungkook was going to be fine. Dr. Lee looked down at his clipboard but he saw Jin and Jimin. He gave them a soft smile. 

"Can we see him?" 

"Boys." 

"I want to tell him about Jungkook." Jimin spoke up for both of them. 

Dr. Lee bit his lip before letting the two members into the room. They saw Namjoon stood in front of the tv with tears placed on his cheeks but the video tape was paused. Jimin caught sight of the tape and covered his mouth. 

"Joon." Jimin said while placing his hands on Namjoon's shoulder. Namjoon looked up and Jimin couldn't help but hug his leader tight. "What's this?" 

"Tapes, my mom gave them to me. My dad used to record me." Namjoon took a deep breathe. "How's Jungkook?" 

"He's fine. He woke up and he wants to see you." Jin finally said something. Namjoon got up from the bed while wiping his tears from his cheeks and stood in front of Jin and hugged him tight. 

"Thank you for everything you are doing." Namjoon whispered the words to Jin because he knew the burden that Jin had trying to keep everyone together. 

"Are you okay?" Jin asked Namjoon and Namjoon gave him a soft smile. 

"I will be. The medication I'm on right now is doing its job and Dr. Lee's been great." Namjoon gave them a wavering smile. Jin and Jimin gave Namjoon a hug once more. Namjoon looked at the video tape once more before pulling the video tape out of the tv and placed it next to the 4 other tapes that he had watched. 

Namjoon grabbed his robe and slippers before opening his door to see Dr. Lee staring at him. "i'm going to see Jungkook." 

Dr. Lee started to say something but Namjoon interrupted him. "I'll be fine." 

"Those tapes Namjoon." 

"It's fine. It's terrible because I blocked those memories but it gave me answers that i needed for awhile now." Namjoon gave a smile at Dr. Lee before entering Jungkook's room. 

Namjoon sat on the bed next to Jungkook and he gave him a smile. 

"You doing okay." 

"Yeah, thanks for visiting me." Jungkook gave his leader a smile. 

"Hey it's no problem but I want you to know it's okay. You need to be more open to your therapist." Namjoon suggested before smiling. 

And in 3 days later, Jungkook was packing up his bags before arranging his therapy session appointment and at the same time Namjoon was packing up his stuff as well. 

Namjoon had on a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt and placed on his face was a mask and he had his hood over his head. Dr. Lee stood in front of Namjoon while shaking his hand. 

"I still expect you to call me and go to your therapy appointments. It's crucial for your well being." Dr. Lee reminded the leader with a smile. 

"Thank you for all you did for me." Namjoon smiled hugely at the doctor while holding his suitcase in his hands. Dr. Lee saw the light in Namjoon's eyes. He had been gaining weight slowly but he was still too skinny. 

"And make sure you keep eating and get some rest." Dr. Lee kept reminding Namjoon and Namjoon couldn't stop chuckling. 

"You sound like my mother." Namjoon shook his head. 

"She's a smart lady. Namjoon." 

"I'll talk to her eventually not now though." Namjoon replied to Dr. Lee. 

"Well off you go. You might want to stop by Jungkook's room. I hear he's leaving today too." Dr. Lee raised his eyebrow causing Namjoon to rush off in the direction of Jungkook's room with his suitcase in tow. 

He knocked on Jungkook's room and Jungkook opened the door and he smiled at Namjoon. Namjoon hugged Jungkook tightly. As both members sat on the bed holding each other's hand in a way to give comfort. 

The door opened and there stood Jimin and Tae together both were there to pick up Jungkook. Jimin gasped and so did Tae. Tae ran up to Namjoon hugging him tight and Namjoon chuckled slightly while hugging him back. 

"You get to leave too." Tae beamed 

"I do. I feel better." Namjoon smiled at the 95ers. Jimin and Jungkook walked side by side and Tae walked with Namjoon. Tae couldn't stop looking at Namjoon, he saw the difference in him, it seems that they was a light inside of him and the darkness was not as present. 

"Namjoon. I missed you." Tae muttered and Namjoon rubbed Tae's shoulder. 

"I missed you guys too." Namjoon stated. Jungkook placed his head on Namjoon's shoulder as they drove away from the hospital. Jungkook kept pulling his sleeve down to cover up the self-harm marks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon and Jungkook is leaving the hospital. Next chapter will be Jungkook having to court against his assaulters and maybe in later chapter, Namjoon will go back to Islan.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey mom" 
> 
> "Joonie, you actually called me." 
> 
> "I need to ask you something." 
> 
> "Sure what is it?" 
> 
> "I need to know what was dad's friends names." 

With the chaos of Namjoon being in the hospital, it seemed that the boys was not aware the court trial was coming up and it had to have happen after Jungkook's suicide attempt. Namjoon got up way early after sleeping in his bed that night. Namjoon needed some fresh air and he wanted to take a walk. Namjoon walked through the Big Hit building looking around. It was a long time that he stepped foot in the building that gave him his career. Namjoon stopped at his studio before opening the studio door. It still looked as same as he left it. He was shocked. He stepped into the studio and picked up his writing journal. The same journal that contained lyrics of their most popular songs like Spring Day. Gosh that seemed like a lifetime away. 

"We didn't touch anything." He heard a voice from behind and he turned around to see Bang and Sejin stood there with a smile on their face. Namjoon faced both of them with a smile. Bang couldn't help but hug Namjoon tightly. He thought the leader like a son to him and Sejin grabbed Namjoon into a hug as well. 

"You look good." Bang mentioned to Namjoon. 

"I feel good. I just needed to see my studio. It's ridiculous isn't it." Namjoon rubbed the back of his neck while looking around the studio which became a safe haven. 

"No it's not ridiculous. Music is your life." Bang smiled at Namjoon while patting his shoulder. 

"So, you want to catch me up with what's going on with BTS." Namjoon asked already wanting to get back into being a leader of BTS. Bang and Sejin looked at each other not sure if they wanted Namjoon to hop back into being the leader. He just got back from the hospital that was treating him for depression and anxiety. 

"Namjoon, I don't think you should be a leader right now. I have given the role over to Hobi and Jin." Bang said to Namjoon and Namjoon bit his lip. He wanted to be respectful towards Bang and Sejin. 

"Bang, I want to get back to my normal life and being a leader is what I was doing." Namjoon stated to Bang. 

"Come see me in a couple months and we will see how you are then." Bang walked away from Namjoon and Sejin gave Namjoon slight smile before walking away leaving Namjoon by himself in the studio. He sat down at the desk and took a deep breathe. Namjoon's phone went off and Namjoon answered it. 

"Hello." 

"Where are you man?" 

"At Big Hit. Jungkook's court date is at 12pm wanted to remind you." 

"I will be there Hobi." Namjoon commented before hanging up the phone. Namjoon dialed a phone number he never thought he would ever call again. 

"Hey mom" 

"Joonie, you actually called me." 

"I need to ask you something." 

"Sure what is it?" 

"I need to know what was dad's friends names." 

"Why?" 

"Mom, can you just tell me?" Namjoon demanded of his mother to tell him trying to ignore her calling him Joonie, the name that his father used to call him. 

"Joonie." 

"Mom stop calling me that." Namjoon tried to keep the irritation and anxiety from that name. 

"Why?" 

"Mom can you please just help me out?"

"Okay, your father's friends names were Sung Rhee, Ji-hoon Yi, Sang and Dong Roi." 

"Thanks mom." Namjoon hung up the phone while staring at the piece of paper of the names from the video. He tucked the piece of paper into his pocket before rushing home to change into court suited other than sweatsuit. 

Namjoon fixed his long coat collar and stared at himself in the mirror before grabbing his mask and some shades on his face. He entered the courthouse to see Jungkook was standing there pacing slightly and biting his lip. He grabbed Jungkook's shoulder and gave him a smile. Jungkook smiled back at his leader. 

"You got this." Namjoon said while encouraged his younger brother. All of the members walked through the courtroom and they sat down. Jungkook spoke to the prosecutor about what to expect. 

Namjoon could remember the last time he sat in court when he had to testify against his own father. Namjoon was now biting his lip hoping and begging the defense would go easy on Jungkook. Namjoon remembered when he testified against his father, the defense lawyer made him cry and had a panic attack on the stand but Jungkook wasn't a little kid. Jungkook was sassy and bossy and had attitude so he could stand his ground. 

"You say you don't recognize any of these men but you recognize their voices though." The prosecutor stated to Jungkook and Jungkook responded with a yes. 

Jungkook identified the voices perfectly and the juror looked at each other and the judge looked at Jungkook. Jungkook retold his story about what happened that one time with a group of men raping him. 

The prosecutor showed evidence medical evidence that no one could argue. The juror took the rest of the day to decide if they were going to convict those men. Jungkook got off the stand and stared at all four of those men directly that sexually assaulted him. Namjoon couldn't help but be proud of how strong Jungkook was to stare at those men. BTS were proud. They all were patting Jungkook on the back as they headed home. 

Namjoon told them he was going into the studio because he had a inspiration for lyrics and songs. He couldn't help but research his father's friends and no surprise they were still in ilsan and they were all alive. Namjoon wondered if those men felt guilty over what they did to him. Namjoon knew those men never got convicted, his father was the only person who went to prison. Namjoon needed to face all the people who hurt him and those people were in ilsan. He had no choice but to go back to his hometown, the same town that months ago caused him to have mental breakdown. 

This time was different though, Namjoon didn't feel anxiety in fact he was pretty cool with the idea confronting those people so they could see how he turned out. Namjoon even thought he could ruin their lives maybe show their family via the videotape that was recorded. He knew his father left him something but he didn't want anything his father left him. 

Namjoon was going back to ilsan and he was okay with it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Namjoon will be going back to ilsan to visit everyone that hurt him. Who do you think should go with Namjoon to ilsan? I don't want to make Namjoon go by himself.


	15. Chapter 15

Namjoon was back in his room staring around his room still not used to be home or back in his own room. He knew that Tae and Jimin was rooming with each other leaving the leader by himself. BTS didn't have a schedule which made sense since none of the boys worked on music. Namjoon stood himself in the mirror while adjusting his hair smoothing it down. Namjoon heard a knock on the door and the door opened slowly. Jin smiled at Namjoon before his eyes wandered over to the suitcase on the bed, it was zipped up. 

"Going somewhere." 

"Yeah, that's cool with you." 

"Depends where you going." Jin sat down on the bed and patted and urged Namjoon to sit down next to him. 

"You don't have to worry about me. I got this." Namjoon gave his dimpled smile but Jin couldn't help but worry about Namjoon. Jin thought is that what it feels like being a leader of BTS now. 

"I'll be fine Jin." 

"Where you going?" 

"Jin." 

"No tell me, we deserve to know where you going?" Jin commanded forcing Namjoon to stare at him. Namjoon was scared to tell Jin about him going back to his hometown where all of his problems started and where it scarred him but the way Jin was staring at him and holding his hands so tight, he knew right then he had to tell Jin the truth even if it kills him. 

"Ilsan." Namjoon finally spoke the truth and Jin removed his hands and tilted his head. 

"Why?" Jin asked because Jin didn't know why anybody would go back to the place that caused him harm. 

"Because it's time for me not to be afraid Jin, it's time for me to face my fears. Jungkook did it in court and I never confronted the people who hurt me so much and I think I deserve those answers. I deserve to know why they sexual abused, I deserved to know why they need to film it." Namjoon spoke without his voice wavering which to Jin showed how much stronger Namjoon was in that moment than when he was months ago. 

"And you were planning on going all alone without telling anyone." Jin stood up and Namjoon looked down at his hand fiddling with his ring on his finger not saying anything. 

"I need to do this Jin and I didn't want anybody to stop me." Namjoon stood in front of Jin giving Jin direct eye contact. 

"I would never stop you from doing what you need to do but the thought of you going by yourself scares me." Jin confessed and Namjoon couldn't help let a smile appear on his face. 

"You sound like me just like a leader." Namjoon smiled at Jin while patting his shoulder. "If you want I won't go by myself." 

"Namjoon, I am so sorry for taking your position." Jin apologized profusely at Namjoon while shaking his head. Namjoon forced Jin to stop shaking his head. 

"Someone needed to be a leader while I was going through my shit and I am so proud of both you and Hobi for keeping the fort down." Namjoon smiled at him and Jin couldn't help his ears turning bright red. 

"We failed Joon. Jungkook attempted suicide. You wouldn't have missed the signs." 

"Yes I would have. You think Jungkook would have talked to me about his feelings. He wouldn't have." Namjoon was trying so hard to comfort Jin and trying to stop Jin from blaming himself. "Plus, it's useless to think of what ifs. Jungkook is alive and he will be okay." 

"How do you know?" Jin asked Namjoon and Namjoon let out. a chuckle. 

"Because he has you, Hobi, Yoongi, Jimin, Tae and me. We won't let Jungkook go down that route ever again." 

"Namjoon, he had us before and he was already self-harming and tried to kill himself. I can't get that image out of my head." Jin sighed while leaning against the wall and looking down at the ground. 

"He will be okay Jin because I became whole when BTS was formed and when you guys became my family. You guys made me okay and the same thing will happen with Kook. He's so much stronger. You saw him on the stand, he wouldn't let the defense attorney hurt him. He stared at the guys who raped him straight in the eyes. I need to go back to Ilsan to become strong as much as Kook was or is." Namjoon spoke up to Jin and Jin couldn't stop the tears blurring his vision. 

"Okay, I can't go with you me and Hobi has to do some meetings with Sejin and Bang." Jin wiped the tears and that's when the door opened once again. Jungkook was standing there with a smile on his face, tears were down his face and in his hand was a phone. Jungkook's mouth was opened. 

"Kookie." Namjoon started to say. 

"The juror found them guilty. They're guilty." Jungkook shook his head while tears fell down faster. Namjoon hugged Jungkook tight in his arms and Jin joined into the hug. 

"Mrs. Rose said the judge sentenced them to 15 years each." Jungkook mumbled while letting the tears come out. Namjoon couldn't help but let the tears fall from his own eyes. 

"Congratulations Kookie." Namjoon pulled away from the hug and Jungkook looked at the bed which still had the suitcase on it. Jin looked Jungkook before leaving Kook and Joon together in a room. 

"Going somewhere." 

"You inspired me Jungkook. It's time to face my demons head on face to face." Namjoon gave the maknae a small smile and grabbed the suitcase before heading out the door. 

"Let me come with you." Jungkook begged his leader while placing a hand on his shoulder. 

"Kookie." 

"Let me be there for you, it's hard to do it by yourself." Kookie now stood in front of Namjoon and in that moment, Yoongi's door opened. 

"Kookie is right." Yoongi stated and Namjoon stared at Yoongi with shock. "I knew that you wanted to go to Ilsan and that's why I'm coming with you." Yoongi pulled his own suitcase out of the door. 

Namjoon smiled at both of them. Jungkook ran to get his own suitcase and stuffed a bunch of clothes in it. 

"I'm sorry about what I said about Jungkook suicide attempt. It wasn't your fault." 

"I know and I forgave you a long time ago." Namjoon patted Yoongi's shoulder but Yoongi pulled Namjoon into a hug. 

The door opened and all three members left together in Yoongi's car. Yoongi would drive there considering it was his car. Namjoon told Yoongi's his parent's address. He wasn't hoping to be there that long. 

Yoongi parked the car and Jungkook was about to leave the car but he didn't once he saw the Namjoon hadn't unbuckled his seatbelt instead he was staring forward and taking a deep breathe. 

"Namjoon, we can go back home." 

"No, I have to do this just give me a couple secs." Namjoon said. Namjoon unbuckled his seatbelt and started walking towards the house with Yoongi and Jungkook behind him. 

Namjoon rung the doorbell. He placed his hand in his jeans pocket. It was his little sister who opened the door. She gasped before hugging her brother tight. Namjoon slowly wrapped his arms around his little sister. 

"What you doing here?" She asked and Namjoon shrugged his shoulders. 

"I'm confronting my past." He responded. She nodded and allowed Namjoon to enter the house. 

"Mom's at work right now." She informed Namjoon. Namjoon looked around the house to see numerous boxes sitting on one another. 

"What's going on?" 

"We moving. Mom doesn't want to remember what dad did to you. Mom feels guilty for not being on your side." She said while walking towards the kitchen. Namjoon walked up the stairs and on the door, he smiled slightly while his hand touched the door handle. The door had a sign that said do not enter with red sharpie. Mrs. Kim never repainted the door while Namjoon went through his angsty, emo phase. 

Namjoon looked around the room to see lyrics written on his door. Yoongi and Jungkook stood at the door frame not saying much but Jungkook couldn't stop looking at the lyrics on the wall. 

_Is the pain worth being alive?_ Namjoon wrote that when he was 10 years old. 

_Seeing red spill out of me gives me release. Something's wrong with me._

_I should be more honest but my thought consume my every waking thought_

_Hey dad, why do you hurt me?_ Namjoon was 11 years old when he wrote that 

Yoongi covered his mouth and placed his hand on Namjoon's shoulder. Namjoon was an artist and everything he went through was written on those walls. 

_Flashes blinds my eyes while prying hands touch me while I scream in pain._

_Trust leaves me but fears enters me._

Namjoon bit his lip while seeing his friends read each and every lyric that was written on the wall. Namjoon used to lock his bedroom door. His sister coughed and Namjoon turned towards her. She handed him a glass of water and Namjoon sip the water slowly. 

"Namjoon." 

"Did you read my words?" Namjoon turned towards her. 

"Yeah and we went to the basement." She looked down at her hands. "I'm sorry that he hurt you." 

"He wasn't the only one." Namjoon bit his lip while opening his closet door and he stared at the closet door that hung a loose noose. It was already tied and Namjoon bit his lip while trying not to cry. He always had a noose tied in case he wanted to go when his thought always consumed him. The noose had a little bit of blood. 

Namjoon turned away from the closet and opened his nightstand and there stood a journal that he always wrote in. He grabbed it. All of them walked down the stairs. Namjoon reached downstairs and that's when the front door opened. Mrs. Kim stood there with a bag of groceries but it fell from her hands when she saw Namjoon. Mrs. Kim rushed over and hugged Namjoon tightly. Namjoon was much taller than his mother. Namjoon hugged her back. 

"You look good Namjoon." 

"I feel good mom." Namjoon gave her a weak smile while still holding the journal. Namjoon eyes glazed over to the basement. He walked towards the basement, it was locked. Mrs. Kim looked down and he looked at his sister. 

"We haven't been able to get into the basement for awhile." 

Namjoon nodded and he bent down and lifted a floorboard that contained a set of keys. Namjoon unlocked the basement door and he walked down the stairs. Jungkook followed quickly and Yoongi came quick. 

Namjoon flipped on the light, the chairs were still in a circle. He closed his eyes. 

"Rapmon." Jk used his nickname and Namjoon opened his eyes. 

"I was forced to give oral sex to my father friends down here. They sometimes would insert themselves into me. They would sit around in a circle and do it." Namjoon stood in front of the chairs. "This is where my father would set up the camera." Namjoon sighed while looking around the basement and there was a box of videos in it. 

"Oh my gosh, Namjoon. I am so sorry."

"Why you sorry? You didn't do it to me." Namjoon turned towards them. Namjoon took the tapes and stepped on each one of them destroying them and tears fell down onto his cheeks. 

Jungkook ran to him hugging him tightly and Namjoon turned towards the maknae sobbing and they sat down on the steps while Namjoon sobbed into the chest of the golden maknae. Jungkook couldn't stop letting tears fall from his eyes. 

Namjoon headed up the stairs and Mrs. Kim stood up from the sit she was sitting in. Namjoon wanted to tell her about dad's friends but could her heart take it. Namjoon doubt it but he bit his lip. Mrs. Kim held an envelope in her hands shaking. Namjoon looked at his mother and she handed the envelope to him. He looked and it said Namjoon. Namjoon knew it was father's handwriting. Namjoon opened the letter. 

_Dear my sweet boy Namjoon,_

_I am so sorry for hurting you. I don't know why I did what I did. I am so proud of you for everything you became. I know it probably means nothing to you. You are so strong. I told myself I would never become my father but I became worse than my father. I thought that what I was doing was okay but I wasn't. It hurt me to see you in the hospital after all those times you almost killed yourself. A ten year old boy shouldn't be sad._

_I love you Namjoon. I really do and I know I caused pain over and over again so I'm going to make things right. I told the police about the child pornography and what I did to you. When I first held you in my arms, I knew I would love you. I was nervous to be your father but when I saw that dimpled smile when you laughed, my worries went away._

_Gosh, I hope you can forgive me and I hope you don't become bitter. I know you probably don't want anything from me but...I left some things for you in my well. I am saddened by the thought that you will always hate Ilsan because of me and that's not fair. Don't hate your mother or your sister. They are your family. I deserve to rot in hell._

_Your grandmother wrote me daily while I was incarcerated, she told me that I should be proud because you were proving all the naysayers and she said that you got the talent from me but eventually your grandmother stopped sending letters and so did your sister._

_I love you_

_Love,_

_your horrible father_

Namjoon hands shook while tears wet the papers and he clutched the letter while sobbing loudly. Mrs. Kim rushed over and sobbed with her son. Namjoon's sister rushed over to sobbing. The letter fell from his hands while Namjoon was being comforted by his family. Yoongi and Jungkook stood to the side not wanting to interrupt their moment.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sung Rhee

Namjoon said goodbye to his mom and sister before leaving the house. All three members drove around Ilsan enjoying the sun. They arrived to the house, it was a nice house with a porch and a pool in the backyard. Namjoon knocked on the door begging the members to wait in the car. An teen boy answered the door, he looked like his father. Namjoon knew instantly it was father's friend son. 

"Can I help you?" The boy asked while raising an eyebrow. Namjoon looked at his hands not truly knowing if this was a smart move coming to one of the men who abused him 

"Is your father around?" 

"No, he's at work, I can take a message." The boy responded while looking down at his phone. 

"Where does he work?" Namjoon asked and the boy tilted his head. 

"Why, do you care about my father?" The boy questioned at Namjoon and Namjoon sighed but then he heard that voice. 

"Ryan, who's at the door?" A deep older male voice said from inside the house. The older man came to the door and the man looked shocked at seeing Namjoon standing in front of him. Namjoon removed his shades. 

"Namjoon." The older man gasped while shaking his head. 

"Sung, i want to talk." Namjoon had his hands in his pocket and the man nodded and Ryan went back to his room. Namjoon entered the man's home which looked amazing. Namjoon knew Sung was married still. 

"I heard about your father. I'm sorry about his passing." 

"He was a monster." Namjoon lashed out while leaning against the couch while staring at the man who was one of the man who hurt him. 

"What are you doing here Namjoon? It has been years since you've been in Ilsan." 

"Because of you." Namjoon lashed out while getting up from the couch. "Nice place you got here, I wonder if your family know what kind of man you are." 

Namjoon picked up a picture frame, it was a picture of Sung with his two kids and his wife. 

"Namjoon." 

"I remember a lot, I remember those videotapes." Namjoon turned to face Sung and Sung gasped shaking his head. 

"You must have me confused with someone else." Sung shook his head. "I would never hurt you. You are my godchild." 

Namjoon bit his lip, "I have those tapes. I can play it for you. I remember all of you guys sitting in a circle. Gosh, I want an apology. I want you to acknowledge what you did to me." 

Namjoon didn't want to ruin the kids perception of their own father but Namjoon needed acknowledgement and an apology from all the people who hurt him. Sung was the chillaxed person. 

Sung placed his hand on his shoulder, Namjoon pushed his hand off his own shoulder. "Joon, I love you like my son." 

Namjoon closed his eyes trying to take a deep breathe. Namjoon picked up the frame once again before tossing it on floor causing glass to fall onto the ground. Sung stepped back in shock. 

"WHY CAN'T YOU FUCKING ADMIT WHAT YOU DID." Namjoon screamed while tears fell from my eyes. "YOU ARE A SICK BASTARD." 

Sung bit his lip and shook his head. Sung tried to step closer to Namjoon but Namjoon backed away. Ryan was on the steps listening in on the conversation between his father and Namjoon. 

"I'm sorry that you think I hurt you." Sung shook his head and Namjoon had tears down his cheeks. 

"My father used to record your get togethers when your wives weren't around. I can play the tape in fact, I can play it for your fucking wife. Did you hurt your son?" 

"I would never touch my son." 

"Just you would touch me, someone who was your godson." 

"You can't show those tapes, my career would be ruined. I would never be able to teach again. I have to send my kids to college." 

"You ruined me, you raped me for years. You took every ounce of my own happiness." 

"You could have said no." Sung spoke in a soft voice and Namjoon shook his head biting his lip. 

"Yeah because at 8 I knew what was happening was wrong." 

"It could have stopped when you wanted it to." 

"It wasn't even that long." Sung tried to argue the conversation. 

"I trusted you. It was fucking 6 years of my life." Namjoon wondered around the house picking things up one at a time. He saw a picture that he drew on Sung's wall. He grabbed the picture frame of it before throwing it down causing more glass to be splattered around the living room. The front door opened and there stood, Sung's wife, Kora. She gasped at seeing Namjoon with his arm dripping with blood and the house in array. 

"Namjoon, hunny, what's wrong?" She walked up to him gently rubbing his shoulder and Namjoon glared at her before moving past her and Sung stopped Namjoon from leaving. 

"I am so sorry but it wasn't my fault. I would say your life turned out pretty great. We are proud of you." Sung spoke and Namjoon pushed Sung onto the floor. Ryan ran from the steps and glared at Namjoon screaming at him trying to defend his own father. 

Kora stood there and she saw a videotape. Namjoon stormed out of the house sobbing once he entered Yoongi's car. Yoongi rubbed Namjoon's shoulders. Sung ran out of the house banging on the window begging for Namjoon to roll down his window. 

Namjoon wiped the tears before rolling the window. 

"Here." Sung handed him a check and Namjoon looked at the check before ripping it up right in front of Sung rolling his eyes. 

"I don't need your fucking money but if I would you I would explain to your wife why you seen on top of a little kid when he was nine considering she's probably watching the tape as we speak. I tried to be nice Sung. All I wanted was a fucking apology." Namjoon rolled his window up and Yoongi pulled out of the driveway watching Sung and Kora arguing. She had tears down her cheeks and she was pushing screaming in his face. 

"Namjoon, what is this all about?" Jungkook asked never fully getting a whole story about Namjoon's past. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ji-hoon Yi

Namjoon didn't say anything in that moment but Yoongi decided to pull over to grab some food. All three members were practically starving. Namjoon got out of the car with his hood over his head and placed shades on his face. Namjoon entered the restaurant and they were seated quickly. Namjoon couldn't forget this restaurant and small part of Namjoon felt sick sitting here in this restaurant. 

"Hey, Namjoon, it is you." A boy that Namjoon grew up with smiled hugely at him. 

"Wonho Yi," Namjoon got up from his seat while shaking Wonho's hand. Namjoon and Wonho were best friends until Namjoon walked away from their friendship. 

"I heard you were back in town." Wonho. "Shit, I thought you were never coming back, I made a bet with Wendy that once you made it big that you would still come back but then Wendy was like BTS is huge why come back to your own hometown and I was like you guys made a song called my city and you talked about how great Ilsan is and." 

"Wonho." Namjoon interrupted Wonho from going into another rant. "The point is that you won the bet." 

"Yeah thanks but Wendy probably forgot all about the bet." Wonho said with a huge smile. "Whatever you want is on the house, my father would be so happy to see you." 

There was a cough behind the two boys and Namjoon looked down at his hands before sighing. "Wonho, this is Yoongi and Jungkook my friends from BTS." 

Wonho smiled at the boys while shaking their hands. Namjoon heard footsteps and he looked up to see it was Wonho with his father's hands on his shoulders. His father Ji-hoon smiled at Namjoon and Namjoon gulped. Ji-hoon was another person who would sexually assault the boy and that's why Wonho friendship was over. Namjoon couldn't stop seeing Ji-hoon's face in Wonho. 

"Namjoon, what a lovely surprise?"

"Yeah thought I would take a trip." Namjoon mumbled before sitting back down. 

"Hey, why don't we have a chat real quick." Ji-hoon suggest while licking his lips slightly. Namjoon looked at his friends and Wonho. "Wonho, why don't you get back to work?" 

Namjoon rolled his eyes but nonetheless followed Ji-Hoon to the back where his office was. Ji-Hoon offered a seat for Namjoon and Namjoon sat down across from Ji-Hoon. Namjoon didn't plan on confronting the man at his own restaurant, he would rather have confronted him at his house. Namjoon knew where everyone lived. He grew up in the Yi's household. 

"You grew up so well Namjoon." Ji-hoon expressed while licking his lips and his eyes gravitate towards Namjoon's chest. Everyone knew that Ji-Hoon wasn't straight but rather bisexual which he never expressed to anyone. 

"Thanks, are we done here?" Namjoon got up from his seat but Ji-Hoon quickly stopped him. 

"You know Sung called me to let me know what you did to his family. Ryan won't look at him. Kora wants a divorce from Sung." Ji-Hoon sighed shaking his head. "You coming back here was not smart. You destroying people lives." 

"Yeah exactly like how you guys destroyed my life." Namjoon stood up from his seat glaring at Ji-hoon. He didn't want to have this conversation here. 

"Namjoon, you can't blame us plus what happened to you to make your life a mess." Ji-Hoon was standing in front of Namjoon. 

"I'm on medication for depression and anxiety. I self-harm and suicidal since i was 10 years old and it's because of you guys and my father." Namjoon growled at Ji-Hoon. 

Ji-hoon laughed while shaking his head. "You wanted it as much as we did. You always came over to my house all the time, if you really hated it, you wouldn't have showed up." 

"I was friends with Wonho and Wendy that's why I came over not for you to touch me all the fucking time." Namjoon pushed Ji-hoon away from him. Ji-hoon laughed like laughed out loud so loud. 

"Wow someone gained some backbone." Ji-hoon grabbed Namjoon's waist and Namjoon pushed Ji-hoon hands away and started walking away. 

"Do not touch me." Namjoon growled at him. 

"Oh come on, you can't say you not interested in me. You see Sung was weak but me not so much." Ji-hoon growled while grabbing Namjoon's wrist tightly so tightly it was causing a bruise. Ji-hoon pushed Namjoon into the wall and his hands started roaming Namjoon's body. Ji-hoon hand was now reaching into Namjoon's waist. Namjoon was frozen, the strength was now gone. 

"Get off me." Namjoon finally got his voice in the moment when he felt Ji-hoon's lips on his neck. Namjoon kneed Ji-hoon in the balls and he fell to the floor. Namjoon buttoned up his pants and tried to adjust his clothes before stepping over Ji-hoon's crouched body. 

"You deserve to rot in hell but you see all you have to say is sorry." Namjoon crouched in front of Ji-hoon. "Look at you, on the floor screaming in pain, it seems that the roles have been reversed." Namjoon chuckled while shaking his head. "I'm not weak, and I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore. I have you on tape too don't forget that." 

Namjoon got up from his crouched position and headed out of the office and leaned against the wall catching his breath but someone grabbed his arm. 

"Joon." 

"Wonho, how much did you see?" 

"My father, you kneed him." Wonho shook his head. Namjoon bit his lip. 

"I'm sorry." 

"What happened between you guys. You always said he was like a father to you after your father went to prison." Wonho looked at the office and Namjoon walked away from Wonho to see Jungkook and Yoongi were stuffing their faces. 

"We should go now." Namjoon commanded them and Namjoon placed the payment onto the table before rushing out of the restaurant not before crashing into a blonde haired woman who had a nose piercing. 

"Namjoon." 

"Wendy." 

"Yeah." 

"What are you doing here?" 

"I'm leaving now." Namjoon rushing to the car but someone grabbed his arm. He looked up to see Ji-hoon glaring at him. Namjoon pulled away. "Do not touch me, I mean it Ji-hoon." 

"Namjoon, you acting like I fucked you up. I cared about you. I treated you like a son." 

"No you didn't, you treated me like a fucking prostitute that you could use for your pleasure." Namjoon yelled Ji-hoon causing everyone to stare at Ji-hoon and Namjoon. Wonho was now outside standing next to Wendy. 

_It was after Mr. Kim went to prison, Namjoon was on his own for awhile until Wonho invited Namjoon to his house to stay. He had outstayed his welcome with Sung Rhee's family and Namjoon was tired of being used over and over again by Sung. Wonho got him the job at his father's restaurant. Namjoon was a waiter. He was closing that night. Wonho had gotten off his shift so it was just Ji-Hoon and him closing. All day Ji-hoon had his hands on Namjoon's waist. Namjoon was putting his stuff in his locker when Ji-hoon had asked Namjoon to meet him in his office. Namjoon went to his office ignoring everything in his body telling him not to. Ji-hoon was leaning against his desk and urged Namjoon to closed the door. Namjoon did what he was told and Namjoon was biting his lips in anxiety._

_"Am I fired?"_

_"Of course not." Ji-hoon stood in front of Namjoon looking at Namjoon up and down. "Wow, you grown up."_

_Ji-hoon was so close to Namjoon that Namjoon couldn't help but feel the breathe from Ji-Hoon. Ji-hoon's hand was pressed against the wall so Namjoon couldn't escape._

_"Mr. Yi, I need to go home." Namjoon stuttered out._

_"I can take you home considering you live with us." Ji-Hoon smirked before his hands slowly started wondering Namjoon's body. Ji-hoon hand stopped at Namjoon's member and Namjoon pushed Ji-hoon's hand away from him._

_"Ji-hoon stop please." Namjoon begged._

_Ji-hoon shook his head, "You need this job Namjoon so you need to do what I want you to do." Ji-hoon stated to Namjoon. Namjoon shook his head in shock._

_"Please I need this job."_

_"Then get on the desk." Ji-hoon commanded while pushing Namjoon against the desk. Ji-hoon pulled Namjoon's pants down. Namjoon heard the sound of a zipper. Namjoon's eyes were blurred with tears and he felt the wetness on his cheeks. He didn't want this but he needed this job._

_Ji-hoon held Namjoon's waist so tight and inserted himself into Namjoon thrusting himself in and out roughly causing Namjoon to scream in pain. Blood and cum were spilling out. Namjoon screaming caused Ji-hoon to go rough. Namjoon held tightly on the desk. Ji-hoon placed his lips on Namjoon's neck leaving a hickey._

_"You are so beautiful like this." Ji-hoon whispered and Namjoon bit his lip while trying not to sob. Ji-hoon pulled out of Namjoon and let go off Namjoon leaving Namjoon crashing to the floor sobbing out loud._

_"Get up, Namjoon, don't act like you not a slut." Ji-hoon told him pulling him up. Namjoon pulled up his pants and he limped in pain and Namjoon was looking out the window biting his lips while his eyes were red and puffy._

_Namjoon went through the house immediately and Ji-hoon stopped him quickly._

_"You keep your mouth shut got it."_

_Namjoon nodded before rushing to the bathroom and locked the door letting the hot water wash away the remaining parts of Ji-hoon and let the water hide his sobs. That night, Namjoon laid in bed sore and in pain. Namjoon traced over his scars of his self-harm tempted to take a knife and carve his skin more so._

"You hurt me a lot Ji-hoon." 

Yoongi and Jungkook wanted to beat the man for hurting Namjoon so harshly. How could so many people hurt their leader? Namjoon was strong in that moment which made Jungkook beam with pride and respect of his leader even more so. 

"Namjoon." Ji-hoon started heading towards Namjoon and Wendy pulled her father away from Namjoon. Wonho looked so confused over the situation. His father and his best friend together. 

"No dad leave him alone." Wendy stared at her father with hatred inside of her. 

"Wendy get out of my way." Ji-hoon tried to push Wendy away but Wendy wouldn't budge. 

"I knew that you hurt him. I heard you guys one night." Wendy said to her own father with disgust. "I was happy that Namjoon left Ilsan after what you put him through."

_Namjoon was back in Ji-hoon's office on his knees and Ji-hoon's hand was wrapped around Namjoon's head forcing him to suck him off. Namjoon was handing food out when Namjoon was pulled into Ji-hoon's office and Ji-hoon's excited member was pressed into Namjoon's body. Ji-hoon forced Namjoon on his knees and made him pry his mouth wide opened._

_Ji-hoon forced his huge and large member into Namjoon's mouth and he forced Namjoon to suck._

_"Suck harder and faster." Ji-hoon commanded. Namjoon did what he was told over and over again. "That's it Namjoon, you getting so good at this my slut."_

_Namjoon tears fell from his eyes and somehow that made Namjoon more attractive in Ji-Hoon's eyes. Namjoon's mouth was now full of cum and Ji-hoon pulled his member out._

_"Swallow it now." Ji-hoon commanded and Namjoon swallowed the cum._

_"Can I please go now?" Namjoon asked, his voice hoarse from Ji-hoon's thick member and giving a blowjob. Ji-hoon waved him off and Namjoon walked out of the room bumping into Wendy._

_"Namjoon."_

_"Please don't tell anyone."_

_Wendy knew something was wrong but she kept her promise for Namjoon._

"It was wrong for me to keep it a secret especially from Wonho." Wendy turned to face Wonho and his eyes went from his ex-best friend to his dad. 

"Come on Wonho, you know me." 

"I also know Namjoon." Wonho stood in front of Namjoon and stood in front of Ji-hoon. "Go inside Ji-hoon." 

Wonho stood in front of Namjoon watching the tears down his cheeks and Wonho grabbed Namjoon hugging him tight. "I am so sorry." 

Namjoon placed his head on Wonho's shoulder while Wonho arms hugged him. "Thank you." 

"I will never forgave him for hurting you." 

"He's your dad." 

"He's not my dad after what he put you though. He's dead to me." Wonho glared at his father and he pulled away from Namjoon. "You okay." 

"Yeah." Namjoon smiled. Wonho walked with Namjoon to Yoongi's car and Yoongi and Jungkook followed closely. "Come visit us in Seoul." 

Wonho smiled at them before shaking heads with Yoongi and Jungkook. "Thank you for keeping Namjoon sane. I know he likes to overthink." 

"We try." Jungkook smiled at Wonho. "But, we don't blame you for the actions of your father." 

"Thank you." 

Wonho watched all three members of BTS drive away from the restaurant. Wonho tossed his uniform before Wendy did the same thing leaving Ji-Hoon all alone in front of his restaurant. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sang and Dong Roi

"Namjoon, are you sure you okay?" Yoongi asked while looking straight on the road. 

"I'm fine." Namjoon responded and Jungkook couldn't help get worry over the mental state of this trip. 

"Namjoon, did you speak with Dr. Lee before deciding on confronting your past." Jungkook asked speaking an ounce of truth. 

"Guys, I'm not going to have a breakdown. I'm on medication." Namjoon spoke to the two worrying members. Neither boy spoke in the moment but Namjoon turned up the radio in Yoongi's car. Yoongi would have a fit if someone messed with his radio but Yoongi didn't care about that in that moment. Namjoon may have been exhausted seeing everyone that had hurt him but he slowly was feeling light. Namjoon knew revenge was never going to solve any of the trauma he experienced but if he had to suffer than the people who hurt him should suffer to. 

Yoongi stopped the car. Jungkook and Yoongi got out of the car this time with Namjoon. Yoongi and Jungkook stood behind Namjoon while Namjoon rang the doorbell him clutching his hands over and over again. A sense of nerves building up inside of him. The door opened wide, in that moment he saw the person who hurt, the person who was in that video. At one point, he lived with this man and his brother. 

"Namjoon, i've been expecting you." The man said. "Why don't you come in?" 

Namjoon, Yoongi and Jungkook all walked into the man's home not saying anything. Namjoon stared at a broken picture frame and he saw a fireplace going. 

"Are you Sang or Dong?" 

"Wow, you still can't tell us apart." The man joked with Namjoon showcasing his gap and Namjoon knew instantly that this was Sang. 

"Sang." 

"I'm guessing the other guys called you to let you know I'm ruining their lives." Namjoon bit his lip while putting the picture frame down. 

"I was hoping someday you would come visit me. Please sit." Sang told them while he took a sip of his tea while sitting across the three members. "I heard about BTS a lot, my daughter used to talk about Mr. RM but you will always be Namjoon to me." 

"You know why I'm here." 

"Yeah and I'm sorry but there's nothing for you to destroy. I don't have any family left to break apart. My daughter killed herself last year." Sang got up while looking out the window. "Plus my wife and I split up after my daughter killed herself." 

"What happened to Dong?" 

Namjoon couldn't help but feel bad for Sang even though Sang hurt him just as much as the rest of the guys. Jungkook grabbed his leader's hand trying to give him a sense of comfort. 

"He's still alive but he might as well be dead to me." Sang sneered at that thought. "Namjoon, what do you want from me?" 

Sang was tired so tired and Namjoon knew what that felt like. 

"You hurt me when I was a kid." 

"I know and I'm sorry but sorry is not going to take away the pain of what I did to you or what any of those other guys did to you. You know that. You were always smart. Mr. IQ genius." Sang said while turning away from the window and stared at Namjoon. 

"You the first person to admit what they did to me but honestly, you cared for me after those men used me. You used to wipe me clean. You used to get me some soft clothes. I remember you taking me to the hospital when I was bleeding a lot." Namjoon said to Sang and Sang looked down at the floor. "You were the gentlest person that abused me and i'm conflicted about that." 

"You have every right to hate me and anyone else." Sang said. He didn't want to put up a fight with Namjoon. Sang was sympathetic towards Namjoon. Sang sat back down in his seat causing Namjoon to join him in sitting down. 

Namjoon knew Sang, the abuse with Sang wasn't as extensive compared to the other guys and it wasn't as long as the other guys who abused him but Namjoon still hated him for what he did. He never wanted Sang to lose his daughter. Namjoon remembered Sang's daughter Rose, she was pretty and Namjoon had a crush on her. She was positive and was always speaking positivity. It never thought that she would kill herself. 

"Why did she do it?" Namjoon commanded Sang to tell him. 

"Dong hurt her once." Sang sighed while shaking his head. "It was my fault, I knew Dong and I knew what he was like." 

"Was it because of me?" Namjoon looked at his hands. Namjoon felt it was his fault that Rose was now gone. Sang couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh.

"It's not your fault, Dong should have never had any contact with children." Sang stated. "It's my fault." 

"Do me a favor, when you see Dong can you tell him to drop dead for me." Sang said while he slowly got up from his seat while clutching his cane. Namjoon never thought Sang was old but it was the first time to see Sang not so strong anymore. Sang was always working out. He had muscles but he was forced to use a cane. 

Namjoon, Yoongi and Jungkook and Sang all walked towards the front door. Namjoon was the last to leave the door and Sang grabbed Namjoon's arm. Namjoon looked up at Sang. 

"Namjoon don't let anger, resentment and revenge consume you. It's not a pretty look. I wished I never hurt you, I wished I wasn't influenced by my brother or your father." Sang stated and slowly Sang took something from a box and handed Namjoon a book. 

"What's this?" Namjoon was confused. 

"It's the truth about everything. All of my confessions are held in this journal." 

"What do you want me to do with this?" 

"Do what you want. I was hoping I would see you again before the cancer knocks me out. I wanted to let you know I am sorry for everything you went through. I admit to it." Sang spoke and Namjoon couldn't help the tears and just like that Namjoon hugged Sang tightly. Sang had cancer. Karma was certainly a bitch. Sang was by himself in that house. 

Sang pulled away from the hug and wiped Namjoon's tears. Namjoon headed down the path watching the door closed and Namjoon sat down in the passenger seat not saying anything. 

"You okay?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine. I feel bad for Sang." Namjoon confessed to Yoongi and Jungkook. 

"He raped you. Why would you feel bad?" Jungkook stated.

"He was the nicest one out of all the people who hurt me." 

"But he still a rapist." Jungkook brought up again. 

"Kookie, Namjoon knows that but he can have sympathy and empathy for the man. That man is far from healthy and you heard he's dying from cancer. He doesn't have anybody." Yoongi brought up and Jungkook sighed. Jungkook knew that and he understood Namjoon for feeling that way when Yoongi brought it up. 

Yoongi drove outside a building. It was one of those businesses that were successful. Namjoon knew that Dong was the CEO of the company. Yoongi parked the car and Namjoon was getting out of the car and Yoongi placed his hand on his. 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Yoongi asked and Namjoon looked at him with a smile. 

"Yeah, we made it this far." Namjoon got out of the car and he saw a man about to get into his car surrounded by people. Namjoon walked up to the man who had black hair that was into quiff of some sort. 

"Hey Dong." 

Dong turned around and his eyes went wide. Dong was with a woman, it must have been his 3rd wife. 

"Who the hell are you?" He asked while glaring at Namjoon. 

"Awe man, you don't remember your best friend's son." Namjoon commented to Dong. "Hi, I'm Namjoon Kim." Namjoon turned towards the woman and the woman was much younger than Dong and she was pretty and that smile was heartwarming. It unfortunate that Namjoon was about to blow that out of the water. 

"I'm Cho." She said. "Do you need to talk alone?" 

"Yes" 

"No" 

Both men said at the same time. 

"Yes Cho, go wait in the car." Dong told her and as soon she got into that Porsche car. Dong turned towards Namjoon and Namjoon smiled at him. "What are you doing here?" 

"Was visiting my family so I thought I would visit my favorite person in the world." Namjoon didn't stop smiling. 

"Namjoon, what you want?" 

"I don't know, you know I came from your brother's house. Sang had this message for you, he said drop dead. It seems no one keeps you in the loop how come." Namjoon asked while leaning against Dong's car. 

"Can you not lean against my car?"

"What are you talking about?" 

"You see I visited Sung, ruined his marriage apparently, visited Ji-hoon ruined his relationship with his children and Sang, I forgive him and now I'm here visiting you." Namjoon didn't stop leaning against Dong's car. 

"What do you want?" 

"You know you were the one who hurt me the most besides Ji-Hoon in that basement of my house. I was afraid of going down to the basement because of you." 

"That was a long time." 

"Maybe that memory is pressed into my head. I will never forget you slapping me across the face when I couldn't suck your dick to your liking or how about the time, you were chocking me so hard that I lost consciousness and then you raped me." Namjoon was standing in front of Dong glaring at him. "You ruined my life so I thought why shouldn't I ruin yours." 

"Namjoon, I worked hard to build this business and if you reveal this, i will lose all of this." 

"Sounds like a you problem." Namjoon smirked before getting ready to walk away but stopped at the passenger door and whispered to Cho the truth. Cho looked at him and Dong. 

"Babe, what he said is wrong." 

Cho shook her head before walking away. Dong glared at Namjoon and Namjoon shook his head. 

"Oops my bad." 

Namjoon walked away but Dong grabbed Namjoon before pushing him into the ground. 

"You are pissing me off." 

"Oh yeah, what you going to do rape me oh that's right you only do that with a camera watching so you can upload that to the internet." Namjoon growled before punching him across his face. Namjoon shook his fist which was in pain. Dong got up from the ground glaring at Namjoon wiping the blood from his lips. 

"I wonder how it feels to be truly alone Dong even your own brother hates you." Namjoon stated to Dong. "Maybe if you admit to what you did to me, I wouldn't be so pissed at you." 

"I did nothing wrong." Dong shouted at Namjoon and Namjoon rolled his eyes. 

"I was raped by you over and over again in that basement and you can't deny that at all." Namjoon shouted at him before grabbing a log and hitting the Porsche windows over and over again. 

Yoongi saw what was happening and pulled Namjoon away from the Porsche begging Namjoon to let go off the log. Jungkook grabbed the log from Namjoon's hands. Police was soon called the scene. Namjoon was talking with officer while glaring at Dong. Dong was yelling at the officer begging them to arrest Namjoon. 

"Son, why did you ruin his car?" 

"Because I hate him." Namjoon said folding his arms. 

"You can't destroy property." The officer stated to Namjoon. Yoongi and Jungkook were both sitting with other officers trying to tell them what to do. 

Yoongi was done getting questioned. Yoongi took out his phone dialing Jin's number. 

"Hello, Yoongi why haven't you called me? Are you guys almost home?" 

"There's a problem, Namjoon smashed a guy car window and someone called the police." Yoongi sighed. 

"This isn't good, you do realize that we are BTS and this is going to reach the media." Jin sighed. "I'll have to tell Sejin and Bang." 

Jin hung up the phone and Yoongi sighed. 

"He deserved it." Namjoon huffed out. 

"Can you tell us why he deserved it?" 

Namjoon bit his lip shaking his head. 

"Then we going have to charge you for destruction of property." The officer commanded. Namjoon looked over at Dong with anger. 

"Namjoon tell them the truth." Jungkook begged Namjoon to do so. 

"He's not going to get charged. It's passed statue of limitations." Namjoon huffed out. Namjoon was arrested and charged. Namjoon was in the police station and he saw Dong smirking at him. Namjoon couldn't help but anger came out. Officers were around the station when Namjoon hands shook. 

"Mr. Kim, calm down." 

Namjoon looked around the station, handcuffs were still present. He felt sick to his stomach. He kept trying to get the handcuffs off but it wasn't working. Namjoon was breathing heavy and you could tell a panic attack was happening. 

Yoongi begged the officers to get the handcuffs off of him. Yoongi kneeled down in front of Namjoon. 

"Namjoon tell me all the things you see." 

"Stables, paperclips, mugs, computers, chairs, tables, desks." Namjoon was calming down. Dong was watching from far away but he still had a smirk on his face. Namjoon turned towards officer. 

"Namjoon." 

"He raped me." Namjoon whispered the words to the female officer. The female officer looked at Dong laughing and talking on the phone. 

"Namjoon, how long ago?" 

"Years ago, my father used to record it." Namjoon confessed to the officer. The female officer grabbed the chief to explain what she heard from Namjoon. 

It took hours to explain everything and the officers told Namjoon to go home. He was free to go home. 

When all three of the members exited the station, they saw Jin and with Jin was Sejin and Bang with a disappointment look on their face. 

"Namjoon home now." Sejin said using his scolding tone. 


	19. Chapter 19

No one said anything in that moment. Namjoon was fiddling with his hands in the backseat of the car with Sejin and Jin sitting up front. Yoongi and Jungkook was following behind in Yoongi's car. Namjoon didn't know what to say in that moment, how could he justify his actions when he knew it was irresponsible for him to get so angry to cause harm to him but Namjoon also thought that idiot deserved so much more. That idiot still had his life in tact, it was a car that was destroyed. 

Namjoon looked out of the window before he saw he was back at big hit. No one said anything while all of the members sat around a table with Bang at the head of the table. 

"Can someone explain to me what the hell happened?" 

No one said anything, Namjoon bit his lip before looking around the room to see that Jimin was confused, his eyebrows were scrunched up, Jungkook was fiddling with his long sleeves and was biting his lip so much that you could see blood forming on his lips. 

"It was an accident." Namjoon stated while shaking his head. 

"That wasn't an accident destroying someone's property is not okay under any circumstance." Bang sighed while shaking his head. "Now I have to find a way to clear this up." 

"Bang." Namjoon started but Sejin glared at him once more. 

"Don't say a thing Namjoon, you wanted to be the leader of BTS again then you need to be more responsible and mature." Sejin stated and Namjoon looked down at his hands. 

"I'm sorry," Namjoon voiced wavered a slight bit. Namjoon never liked getting scolded in front of the maknae line. He felt a hand wrapped around his, He looked to his side to see Jungkook gripping his hand tight not only did Jungkook had his hand wrapped around Namjoon's but it was clasped tight giving Namjoon full support. 

"He raped me." Namjoon stuttered out so quiet and that's when Sejin and Bang turned towards Namjoon. He doesn't think he ever told his managers what had happened and who hurt him. 

Dr. Lee never told them the managers, patient confidentiality agreement and such. 

"What did you say? Speak up!" Sejin folded his arms across his chest. Namjoon shook but he felt support in the form of Jungkook clutching his hand so tight and he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Yoongi who was giving him an encouraging and small smile. 

"I was raped by that man. I'm sorry I couldn't keep my emotions in check when i saw him." Namjoon stood up from his chair clenching and unclenching his hands in annoyance. 

"Namjoon." 

"Not once did you ever ask why or how I had that mental breakdown. Newsflash, my images, my videos are posted online of older men having their way with me and that man I ruined his car is one of them. I'm sorry that you think that I'm strong. I see my images every time I look online. I get it Jungkook was raped by a gang but for once, you never asked. You never noticed. I've been in this company for 10 years and you didn't see the hurt." Namjoon had tears falling down his cheeks. "I'm sorry that I'm fucked up and I'm sorry that I never dealt with my issues before and I'm sorry that I screwed up but for once can you guys care about me and my wellbeing over my fucking reputation."

Namjoon stormed out of the building and rushed to the bathroom and started letting out a painful sob clutching and Namjoon threw his phone down showing an image of a young boy without clothes. Namjoon thought he was fine but it was all a lie. He heard the bathroom door being rushed opened. Someone wrapped their arms around tight and Namjoon kept pushing the arms away but the arms wouldn't let him go and just like that Namjoon buried his head inside of the chest of the person. The person made them sit on the bathroom floor while everyone watched Namjoon sob his heart out. 

"It's okay, I got you." Yoongi whispered in Namjoon's ears. "Let it all out." Yoongi looked at the bathroom doorframe and Yoongi couldn't help but let the tears fall from his eyes. Jimin and Tae were holding each other hands while tears fell from their eyes. Jin shook his head and looked down. Jin couldn't stand to hear Namjoon cry so he squat down and covered his ears and Hobi sat next to him. 

Jungkook stood quietly in the back and sat with his knees against his chest. Could BTS be fine ever again? Could it work again? The thought of performing again were diminishing the longer they stood away from the stage and for the first time ever, each member was thinking would walking away from all this be the best solution for everyone. 


End file.
